I'm very satisfied with the picture from today!
Can't wait to put them together for the slide show.
A lot of them came out realllyyyy good!
Next up is the Roses' rehearsals; trying to finish choreographing everyones.
Then the last rehearsal for the whole court on January 8th.
So nerve wracking. I really want this to be clean :/
Here's hoping.
Can't believe the big day is coming up in a little more than a month.
And I can't believe I'll be 18 soon O_O
Monday, December 06, 2010
Saturday, December 04, 2010
I realized.
Looking back at the past, if you’re not careful, some people say really shitty lies when they’re “in love.” Although they were said with the best intentions, they were still pretty stupid for saying stuff like that.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Interesting.
You're kind of haunting my mind right now.
Strange, yet intriguing.
You're quite intriguing. Not only I think so.
However, it could be a negative sort of intriguing, right?
You make me contradict myself.
Stop it.
Strange, yet intriguing.
You're quite intriguing. Not only I think so.
However, it could be a negative sort of intriguing, right?
You make me contradict myself.
Stop it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Angry Jil?
I've been described as angry, boring and strict.
Occasionally nice. But hey, what fun is that, right?
Exactly. It's not.
Had a conversation with this friend/acquaintance person today.
He couldn't even telling me a fucking joke because he thought I wouldn't laugh.
Why? Because I'm "not fun."
And I don't know if he was being serious or not, but I seriously took it to heart.
I honestly didn't think it would bother me this much, but it did.
I started thinking about what all of his friends say about me
How they assume I'm always mad and strict.
Even he thinks I'm angry when I'm really upset.
UPSET. As in HURT. As in not angry, not mad, but really sad.
And it really sucks that people automatically think that when I blog I'm always mad.
I have more than one emotion.
And when I have to be the person that always tries to get things done, meaning I have to be "strict" in order to get others to focus, then I get the bitch label or something.
Okay yeah they say it's a joke and I've actually tried to go with it and accept it with a good sense of humor, but how many just kiddings are really "just kiddings"? Right?
I really did not want this to affect me this much, and I'm hoping my period is coming or something because crying over this is a really stupid and pathetic thing to do.
Occasionally nice. But hey, what fun is that, right?
Exactly. It's not.
Had a conversation with this friend/acquaintance person today.
He couldn't even telling me a fucking joke because he thought I wouldn't laugh.
Why? Because I'm "not fun."
And I don't know if he was being serious or not, but I seriously took it to heart.
I honestly didn't think it would bother me this much, but it did.
I started thinking about what all of his friends say about me
How they assume I'm always mad and strict.
Even he thinks I'm angry when I'm really upset.
UPSET. As in HURT. As in not angry, not mad, but really sad.
And it really sucks that people automatically think that when I blog I'm always mad.
I have more than one emotion.
And when I have to be the person that always tries to get things done, meaning I have to be "strict" in order to get others to focus, then I get the bitch label or something.
Okay yeah they say it's a joke and I've actually tried to go with it and accept it with a good sense of humor, but how many just kiddings are really "just kiddings"? Right?
I really did not want this to affect me this much, and I'm hoping my period is coming or something because crying over this is a really stupid and pathetic thing to do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Confession
I really really really love spending time with you. And I love how cute you are to me.
But, I feel like it's really hard to get emotionally close to you now. I keep expecting to get hurt. In fact, I already did. And that sucks... a lot.
Seriously, if you had told me sooner, I probably would've said 'no'.
And now I'm just contemplating whether or not I should stop this and make you prove to me that you'll never hurt me again.
I really like you, you know that. I just don't feel safe around you anymore.
But, I feel like it's really hard to get emotionally close to you now. I keep expecting to get hurt. In fact, I already did. And that sucks... a lot.
Seriously, if you had told me sooner, I probably would've said 'no'.
And now I'm just contemplating whether or not I should stop this and make you prove to me that you'll never hurt me again.
I really like you, you know that. I just don't feel safe around you anymore.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 07 Prt 2
Person who's made the biggest impact on me? He's comes in a close second to my cousins.
Michael Ho. My first real, serious relationship. My ex-boyfriend.
So, you can understand why I don't want to post this on tumblr for almost everyone to see... Idk, I guess I feel safer on blogger.
This boy... when I first met this boy in Middle School. He was just another Asian video game nerd, beginner bboy that I never thought twice about. Freshman year, he was the boy who was trying to be someone I thought he wasn't. Sophomore year, he was my "butterflies in the belly", "I can't believe we're really together" guy. Junior year, he was my everything.
It's hard to compare what he taught me to what my cousins did... but he did, in fact, teach me a lot.
He taught me that you should keep your mind open, you'll find love in places you never thought you would. He taught me that yes, there are boys capable of doing crazy sweet things for you, like folding a billion origami hearts for you and shoving them in your backpack. He taught me what it feels like to truly be scared for a future other than your own. He taught me what it's like to want to encourage and help someone so much so you can stay with them. He taught me true jealousy. He taught me true pain and hurt. He taught me how to put your own feelings aside in order for the other to be happy. He taught me the feeling of missing someone so much that you feel the loneliest you could ever feel without them. He taught me how to sleep on the phone. He taught me not to put my guard down and to not get my hopes up. He taught me to always watch myself and make sure I'm not being annoying. He taught me confidence. He taught me heartbreak. There's so many things I could say about him. One thing I know... He taught me that there is such a thing as the perfect boyfriend.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Remember this okay?
yomikeho: how come u arent playing
yotofuball: because you're more important
You know this already.
I'm the type of girl that willing to drop everything she's doing whenever you need her.
It'd be really cool if I found someone who does the same. :]
yotofuball: because you're more important
You know this already.
I'm the type of girl that willing to drop everything she's doing whenever you need her.
It'd be really cool if I found someone who does the same. :]
Saturday, July 17, 2010
And, you know what I noticed?
Sometimes people tell you do things because they want you to say "no."
Like... a confirmation so they know you won't do what they don't want you to do.
Like when you told me to replace you with him as my escort.
You just wanted to hear me say, "Hell no! Are you stupid?"
That made you happy right? Relieved?
Sometimes I do that too. Like, just now.
I told you that I'd stop texting you because I didn't want to bug you anymore.
I was hoping that you'd reply with, "No, you're not bugging me :]"
[Shoot, I didn't even need a smiley face...]
But, you didn't. "Okay ill text you later"
It was like you were confirming that, yes, I was bugging you. [I'm sorry btw..]
And, I'm not saying I'm mad or that you're a jerk or anything. You're not a jerk because I told you to go have fun. So yeah, I'm not blaming you.
It's just that, I noticed, sometimes people want you to say "no."
It's almost like when someone asks you if you want something to eat. Most of the time, they're thinking, "say no say no say no say no..."
Am I right? Yes I am. Because you've done it before.
You told me to do something because you thought it would make me happy, but you really wanted me to deny it and say no. Just imagine what it would've been like if I had said, "okay."
However, the difference between then and now, is that... you actually don't mind leaving me alone when I'm sad. You're not gonna put up a fight even when I tell you to go have fun. If I sacrifice my happiness in order to make you happy, you just take it and don't really think about it. I guess that's what sucks the most.
I'm not blaming you though. I'm not mad, promise.
I know I told you to go hang out with your friends.
It's just one of those, "It's the thought that counts" moments I suppose..
I think I just know you a lot more than you know me.
Like... a confirmation so they know you won't do what they don't want you to do.
Like when you told me to replace you with him as my escort.
You just wanted to hear me say, "Hell no! Are you stupid?"
That made you happy right? Relieved?
Sometimes I do that too. Like, just now.
I told you that I'd stop texting you because I didn't want to bug you anymore.
I was hoping that you'd reply with, "No, you're not bugging me :]"
[Shoot, I didn't even need a smiley face...]
But, you didn't. "Okay ill text you later"
It was like you were confirming that, yes, I was bugging you. [I'm sorry btw..]
And, I'm not saying I'm mad or that you're a jerk or anything. You're not a jerk because I told you to go have fun. So yeah, I'm not blaming you.
It's just that, I noticed, sometimes people want you to say "no."
It's almost like when someone asks you if you want something to eat. Most of the time, they're thinking, "say no say no say no say no..."
Am I right? Yes I am. Because you've done it before.
You told me to do something because you thought it would make me happy, but you really wanted me to deny it and say no. Just imagine what it would've been like if I had said, "okay."
However, the difference between then and now, is that... you actually don't mind leaving me alone when I'm sad. You're not gonna put up a fight even when I tell you to go have fun. If I sacrifice my happiness in order to make you happy, you just take it and don't really think about it. I guess that's what sucks the most.
I'm not blaming you though. I'm not mad, promise.
I know I told you to go hang out with your friends.
It's just one of those, "It's the thought that counts" moments I suppose..
I think I just know you a lot more than you know me.
I keep thinking...
...that if I pretend to be happy about something, then I'll really be happy.
Like when people tell you to smile because smiling will actually make you feel happier?
That doesn't work on me. You have no idea how much I really wished it did.
I say things you want to hear because I know it'll make you happy.
Even when I'm sad and I want to talk to you, I tell you to go hang out with your friends.
Why? Because they're important to you.
That's one of the reasons it happened in the first place: texting you too much when you were with your friends. So, yeah. I know better now I guess.
I'm sorry, I'm just one of those people who can text the whole entire day.
It's not that I love love love texting; it's because I like WHO I'm texting.
It makes me happy knowing that you enjoy texting me too.
But, you actually don't like texting.. so.. yeah.
Get it?
So, I hope you're having oodles of fun. If you're not, this feeling I'm getting isn't worth it.
Like when people tell you to smile because smiling will actually make you feel happier?
That doesn't work on me. You have no idea how much I really wished it did.
I say things you want to hear because I know it'll make you happy.
Even when I'm sad and I want to talk to you, I tell you to go hang out with your friends.
Why? Because they're important to you.
That's one of the reasons it happened in the first place: texting you too much when you were with your friends. So, yeah. I know better now I guess.
I'm sorry, I'm just one of those people who can text the whole entire day.
It's not that I love love love texting; it's because I like WHO I'm texting.
It makes me happy knowing that you enjoy texting me too.
But, you actually don't like texting.. so.. yeah.
Get it?
So, I hope you're having oodles of fun. If you're not, this feeling I'm getting isn't worth it.
I really really hate this feeling.
I hate this paranoid feeling I always get now, when I'm texting someone or talking to them on AIM and after a few or several minutes I wonder if they're getting bored of me... or annoyed.
Yeah, it's not just you anymore. I worry about it when I'm talking to anyone.
But when I'm talking to you? That's when I'm at my worst. I question myself...
"Should I reply right away?"
"Should I make him wait a little?"
"Should I stop texting him so he can hang out in peace with his friends?"
"Is it okay to keep the conversation going now that the topic we were talking about is over?"
"Will he tell me if I'm talking too much again?"
"Is it okay to text him when I'm sad even though I've texted him a lot today already?"
"Is it okay to say 'hello?' when he hasn't replied in almost an hour?"
I remember when you used to freak out when I didn't reply quickly because you thought something happened to me. I used to get annoyed... now I kind of miss it.
Like they say, you don't really start to appreciate things until they're gone.
Yeah, it's not just you anymore. I worry about it when I'm talking to anyone.
But when I'm talking to you? That's when I'm at my worst. I question myself...
"Should I reply right away?"
"Should I make him wait a little?"
"Should I stop texting him so he can hang out in peace with his friends?"
"Is it okay to keep the conversation going now that the topic we were talking about is over?"
"Will he tell me if I'm talking too much again?"
"Is it okay to text him when I'm sad even though I've texted him a lot today already?"
"Is it okay to say 'hello?' when he hasn't replied in almost an hour?"
I remember when you used to freak out when I didn't reply quickly because you thought something happened to me. I used to get annoyed... now I kind of miss it.
Like they say, you don't really start to appreciate things until they're gone.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Something Stupid
"I know I stand in lineMan, oh man. My mom was playing this song and it just shouted you.
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me
Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you"
Friday, July 09, 2010
Why do you always do that?
So I mention that practice is one of the most important things to you right now..
And you say, not even! It puts me in pain!
And I can't believe I said...
yotofuball: you said that practice is the only thing you look forward to
yotofuball: :[
yomikeho: it puts me in physical pain
yomikeho: -__-
yotofuball: *:]
yotofuball: aw
yotofuball: but it's worth it
yotofuball: even though it puts you in pain, it's worth it
That's what I said to you. I didn't even think about it before I said it. I guess that's just how I operate. Those are my words to live by. If something is really worth it, you'll endure the pain or whatever because you know something good is happening. And it'll all be worth it in the end.
I honestly can't believe I really said that. And when I reread it, I just... teared up. I have no idea way. Well I do know why... it's because I found an analogy that could explain my mindset. You practice and get sore and beat up because you know it's worth it. You make progress and get better, and the results are more than amazing.
That's how I felt about our relationship, that's how I felt about you. Even though you hurt me so many times, I could never truly break up with you and just let you go because I thought our relationship was worth it. Every time we struggled, I just thought it was making us stronger. I thought we were progressing and getting better. I thought our relationship would end up being more than amazing.
But damn, what we have now isn't worth anything anymore is it?
yotofuball: are you gonna dance with anyone on your birthday?
yomikeho: if u dont want me to
yotofuball: well i don't.. but that hasn't stopped you before
And you say, not even! It puts me in pain!
And I can't believe I said...
yotofuball: you said that practice is the only thing you look forward to
yotofuball: :[
yomikeho: it puts me in physical pain
yomikeho: -__-
yotofuball: *:]
yotofuball: aw
yotofuball: but it's worth it
yotofuball: even though it puts you in pain, it's worth it
That's what I said to you. I didn't even think about it before I said it. I guess that's just how I operate. Those are my words to live by. If something is really worth it, you'll endure the pain or whatever because you know something good is happening. And it'll all be worth it in the end.
I honestly can't believe I really said that. And when I reread it, I just... teared up. I have no idea way. Well I do know why... it's because I found an analogy that could explain my mindset. You practice and get sore and beat up because you know it's worth it. You make progress and get better, and the results are more than amazing.
That's how I felt about our relationship, that's how I felt about you. Even though you hurt me so many times, I could never truly break up with you and just let you go because I thought our relationship was worth it. Every time we struggled, I just thought it was making us stronger. I thought we were progressing and getting better. I thought our relationship would end up being more than amazing.
But damn, what we have now isn't worth anything anymore is it?
yotofuball: are you gonna dance with anyone on your birthday?
yomikeho: if u dont want me to
yotofuball: well i don't.. but that hasn't stopped you before
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Hey Stupid!
Jil, remember what we talked about yesterday?
Stop talking to him like that, he doesn't care.
Okay?
Stop talking to him like that, he doesn't care.
Okay?
Jil, have some self control yeah?
Stop setting yourself up to be hurt mkays?
Stop setting yourself up to get embarrassed too!
Get a hold of yourself.
Stop setting yourself up to get embarrassed too!
Get a hold of yourself.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Am I really?
So I really wanted to see if this was accurate. And it got a total of 15/19.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
1. Love to bust. Pretty true.
2. Nice. Boring.
3. Sassy. Quite.
4. Intelligent. Very :]
5. Sexy. Heck yes I am.
6. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Very true.
7. Lazy and love to take it easy. Sometimes lazy, likes it easy. Too bad it's not.
8. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Very very very true.
9. Proud, understanding and sweet. Most definitely..
10. Irresistible. I wish...
11. Loves being in long relationships. So does another sign apparently.
12. Great talker. Again... I wish.
13. Always gets what he or she wants. No, no I don't.
14. Cool. Cooler than most. :]
15. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini’s in sports. Who's a Gemini, I'd like to know if that's right. But yeah, I'm competitive.
16. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants. SO TRUE!
17. Extremely fun. Another not really-ish.
18. Loves to joke. I tease.
19. Smart. Sure.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
1. Love to bust. Pretty true.
2. Nice. Boring.
3. Sassy. Quite.
4. Intelligent. Very :]
5. Sexy. Heck yes I am.
6. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Very true.
7. Lazy and love to take it easy. Sometimes lazy, likes it easy. Too bad it's not.
8. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Very very very true.
9. Proud, understanding and sweet. Most definitely..
10. Irresistible. I wish...
11. Loves being in long relationships. So does another sign apparently.
12. Great talker. Again... I wish.
13. Always gets what he or she wants. No, no I don't.
14. Cool. Cooler than most. :]
15. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini’s in sports. Who's a Gemini, I'd like to know if that's right. But yeah, I'm competitive.
16. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants. SO TRUE!
17. Extremely fun. Another not really-ish.
18. Loves to joke. I tease.
19. Smart. Sure.
It matters.
Sometimes a girl just wants to know for sure if you actually do want her around.
Like... stop saying things like, "Oh if you want" or "It's up to you."
What I interpret that as is, "Oh I don't really care if you go."
Sometimes we just want to hear, "Yeah, I want you to be there. I'd like to see you."
It makes us feel... wanted.
Sometimes a girl just wants to be assured.
But don't tell me you want me around and then once I'm there, it'll be a "Hi! What's up! Later!"
Then I'm left doing... what?
If it's going to be like that, then I REALLY don't want to be there, for sure.
Like... stop saying things like, "Oh if you want" or "It's up to you."
What I interpret that as is, "Oh I don't really care if you go."
Sometimes we just want to hear, "Yeah, I want you to be there. I'd like to see you."
It makes us feel... wanted.
Sometimes a girl just wants to be assured.
But don't tell me you want me around and then once I'm there, it'll be a "Hi! What's up! Later!"
Then I'm left doing... what?
If it's going to be like that, then I REALLY don't want to be there, for sure.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Summer So Far.
Can't believe it's only been a little more than three weeks.
Seems soooooo much more time has past since then.
Must be doing a good job keeping myself busy, eh?
This week:
Today - Andrei and maybe Kris come over to eat tosino and bake cookies and play board games? Lol the only "fun" things to do at Jil's house, huh?
Tomorrow - Practice! And then Jessica's birthday thingy :D
Wednesday - Beach trip with some of the jazz people :]
Thursday - Another practice and another birthday thingy. This time, Annica's ;P
Friday - ...Nothin'. Need something today! Someone come over yeah???
Seems soooooo much more time has past since then.
Must be doing a good job keeping myself busy, eh?
This week:
Today - Andrei and maybe Kris come over to eat tosino and bake cookies and play board games? Lol the only "fun" things to do at Jil's house, huh?
Tomorrow - Practice! And then Jessica's birthday thingy :D
Wednesday - Beach trip with some of the jazz people :]
Thursday - Another practice and another birthday thingy. This time, Annica's ;P
Friday - ...Nothin'. Need something today! Someone come over yeah???
Confused.
I don't know what the fuck you want from me. How am I supposed to act around you?
"I don't want anything. I just want to keep you close."
FUCK THAT! Keep me close so no one else can talk to me? And you'll just use me when it's convenient?!
I swear, this is the last time I'm gonna fall for your lines again.
I can't believe I let myself believe you we're actually going to fight for me.
Fuck you.
"I don't want anything. I just want to keep you close."
FUCK THAT! Keep me close so no one else can talk to me? And you'll just use me when it's convenient?!
I swear, this is the last time I'm gonna fall for your lines again.
I can't believe I let myself believe you we're actually going to fight for me.
Fuck you.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
What to say about today...
...well today.
Today was just a whole lot of everything.
Kris picked me up and we went to Michael's.
Then I Michael's I threw skittles around and just watched them do their thangs.
Man... you. YOU YOU YOU YOU! I still don't know what to say about you and today.
Yeah, today was overall good/great. You made me overall happy.
In the end, you know... I just didn't know what to think.
You say it's the last time, but there's a part of me that really doubts that.
And you know... you asked me today. You asked me that thing I've been wanting you to ask me for some time now. And, I was strong. I was strong and I just left you hanging. It's not going to be that easy. You certainly did NOT make it easy for me.
So I don't know. I don't know what to say about that last hour or so. I really have no idea. I don't know whether or not I should be happy that you cared about how I saw you or if I should be disappointed. I don't know, dude. I really don't. Actually, I take that back. I know I'm disappointed.
Today was just a whole lot of everything.
Kris picked me up and we went to Michael's.
Then I Michael's I threw skittles around and just watched them do their thangs.
Man... you. YOU YOU YOU YOU! I still don't know what to say about you and today.
Yeah, today was overall good/great. You made me overall happy.
In the end, you know... I just didn't know what to think.
You say it's the last time, but there's a part of me that really doubts that.
And you know... you asked me today. You asked me that thing I've been wanting you to ask me for some time now. And, I was strong. I was strong and I just left you hanging. It's not going to be that easy. You certainly did NOT make it easy for me.
So I don't know. I don't know what to say about that last hour or so. I really have no idea. I don't know whether or not I should be happy that you cared about how I saw you or if I should be disappointed. I don't know, dude. I really don't. Actually, I take that back. I know I'm disappointed.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Fuck, Jil.
You let them fall. You're still weak. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you keep lettin him do this to you? Why do you still care so much when he treats you like nothing now? Get it through your head, Jil! HE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE! So stop acting like he's some big loss! He's NOT WORTH IT! So stop pining over him. What he's doing and how he's feeling shouldn't matter to you anymore. He doesn't care what you're doing. He doesn't care how you're feeling. So just stop and get a hold of yourself. You have to be stronger than this!
And do something about your fucking headaches, they're pissing me off.
And do something about your fucking headaches, they're pissing me off.
Don't you dare let them fall, Jil.
No more. Not anymore. Don't let them fall. He's not worth it. He doesn't deserve it. Be mad, be as mad and as angry as you want. But don't be sad anymore. Being sad isn't worth it. He's not worth it. He doesn't deserve it. So stop. Don't let them fall. Don't let them fall. Don't let them fall. Just close your eyes tighter and they won't fall. They won't fall if you won't let them. Just keep them in. If a single one falls, then you lose. You lose and you're just letting him win. He'll have all the power and you'll still be weak. SO STOP AND DON'T LET THEM FALL. DAMNIT.
This is what happens now.
I used to be afraid of just growing up alone, with no one.
Now I'm afraid of spending any time alone by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company.
I try to keep myself as busy as possible, 24/7. I stay up doing something for as long as I can, until I'm literally falling asleep on myself, with that awkward head bobbing motion. I don't give myself enough time to think and ponder about anything anymore because for some reason I always end up thinking about you. I don't trust myself to be okay when I'm alone. I feel like I always need someone here, or someone talking to me. I just need something to do. That way, my mind doesn't wander to all these questions I still have for you. I don't remember the past and I don't dream about the future. When I'm busy, I don't think. Not about you. When I'm busy, I'm not sad or mad, but I'm not happy either... I'm just... nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be nothing than a girl who got her heart broken too many times.
How can you still hurt me even when we're not even together? That's what doesn't make sense! I keep trying to build up walls between you and me. I keep trying to tell myself it's over and done with. You're not coming back. But then, you come along and you break down these walls so easily. Just a couple words and I get all lovestruck again and again. I hate it. It's like I have no control. Everything is playing by your rules. It's not fair. You say when I can talk to you. It's your call on whether or not you can "hold me." IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! You know you're playing with my emotions when you do that right? I've been trying so hard to fit into this pattern you have going on. I'm trying to find this rhythm that you've established. Because sometimes you talk to me, all day. Other times, it's nothing. Not a single word. I don't know how to act around you anymore! I want to be able to just talk to you and expect you to talk back, with no annoyance or attitude, but when I do try... that's exactly what I get. I just want to be able to stop. I want to stop loving you. Because it seems like it'll just make everything so much easier if I just... stop. I won't have to wait around for you anymore. I won't have to guess which days you feel like talking to me. I won't have to say sorry every time I feel like I'm bothering you. I just want everything to stop. It's gotten to the point where I feel I won't even care if I lose you as long as this crap feeling I get almost every day just goes away. But when I think about losing you... not even being able to talk to you... it's even worse. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Now I'm afraid of spending any time alone by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company.
I try to keep myself as busy as possible, 24/7. I stay up doing something for as long as I can, until I'm literally falling asleep on myself, with that awkward head bobbing motion. I don't give myself enough time to think and ponder about anything anymore because for some reason I always end up thinking about you. I don't trust myself to be okay when I'm alone. I feel like I always need someone here, or someone talking to me. I just need something to do. That way, my mind doesn't wander to all these questions I still have for you. I don't remember the past and I don't dream about the future. When I'm busy, I don't think. Not about you. When I'm busy, I'm not sad or mad, but I'm not happy either... I'm just... nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be nothing than a girl who got her heart broken too many times.
How can you still hurt me even when we're not even together? That's what doesn't make sense! I keep trying to build up walls between you and me. I keep trying to tell myself it's over and done with. You're not coming back. But then, you come along and you break down these walls so easily. Just a couple words and I get all lovestruck again and again. I hate it. It's like I have no control. Everything is playing by your rules. It's not fair. You say when I can talk to you. It's your call on whether or not you can "hold me." IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! You know you're playing with my emotions when you do that right? I've been trying so hard to fit into this pattern you have going on. I'm trying to find this rhythm that you've established. Because sometimes you talk to me, all day. Other times, it's nothing. Not a single word. I don't know how to act around you anymore! I want to be able to just talk to you and expect you to talk back, with no annoyance or attitude, but when I do try... that's exactly what I get. I just want to be able to stop. I want to stop loving you. Because it seems like it'll just make everything so much easier if I just... stop. I won't have to wait around for you anymore. I won't have to guess which days you feel like talking to me. I won't have to say sorry every time I feel like I'm bothering you. I just want everything to stop. It's gotten to the point where I feel I won't even care if I lose you as long as this crap feeling I get almost every day just goes away. But when I think about losing you... not even being able to talk to you... it's even worse. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Maybe I'm not used to it.
Well, not yet anyway.
I wanted so badly for you to disagree and say no, that this wasn't how this was going to be. But I was right! I was so right. You were totally willing to just have me wait patiently until you wanted me around. Like, you'll push me off to the side until you miss me or want to talk to me. Who cares if I want to talk to you right? That won't matter. Everything will only depend on how you're feeling. Oh my god! I never wanted to compare you to him, ever! But, that's like... exactly what he does! I guess you two are more alike than I thought. I didn't want to believe it, but there it is. I still don't want to believe it, but you're making it so hard not to.
What kind of person is okay with just letting someone wait around for them? Like a dog! I'll tell you what kind... a selfish one. It takes so much effort for me to not text you or talk to you on AIM. Did you know that? Probably, because I'm just so gosh darn pathetic right?
Damn! Like... I've been tripping over myself, trying to analyze when it's okay to talk to you, when it's not okay, when I shouldn't because you'll probably get mad because you're busy with your friends or sessioning, when I should because it seems like you're bored and want to talk. OMG! I have to wait for you to be BORED. I totally get it now. I'm just someone you go to when you're bored. When you have nothing else to do, so your last resort is to talk to me. It all makes sense! You told me too! You said something like, "Oh yeah, you can text me, no one texts me anyway, my phone is so quite." And I was so stupid to believe that it was because you missed me. No, it was because you needed to feel wanted or something, huh?
You know what, whatever. I'm not angry or anything. I'm more upset with myself. Have a fun day at the movies or the mall or whatever the hell you're doing today. All that matters is you're having fun and not thinking about little 'ole me, right?
I wanted so badly for you to disagree and say no, that this wasn't how this was going to be. But I was right! I was so right. You were totally willing to just have me wait patiently until you wanted me around. Like, you'll push me off to the side until you miss me or want to talk to me. Who cares if I want to talk to you right? That won't matter. Everything will only depend on how you're feeling. Oh my god! I never wanted to compare you to him, ever! But, that's like... exactly what he does! I guess you two are more alike than I thought. I didn't want to believe it, but there it is. I still don't want to believe it, but you're making it so hard not to.
What kind of person is okay with just letting someone wait around for them? Like a dog! I'll tell you what kind... a selfish one. It takes so much effort for me to not text you or talk to you on AIM. Did you know that? Probably, because I'm just so gosh darn pathetic right?
Damn! Like... I've been tripping over myself, trying to analyze when it's okay to talk to you, when it's not okay, when I shouldn't because you'll probably get mad because you're busy with your friends or sessioning, when I should because it seems like you're bored and want to talk. OMG! I have to wait for you to be BORED. I totally get it now. I'm just someone you go to when you're bored. When you have nothing else to do, so your last resort is to talk to me. It all makes sense! You told me too! You said something like, "Oh yeah, you can text me, no one texts me anyway, my phone is so quite." And I was so stupid to believe that it was because you missed me. No, it was because you needed to feel wanted or something, huh?
You know what, whatever. I'm not angry or anything. I'm more upset with myself. Have a fun day at the movies or the mall or whatever the hell you're doing today. All that matters is you're having fun and not thinking about little 'ole me, right?
Thursday, July 01, 2010
"Don't say that"
Here I am all giddy all 'cause of you. It's your fault. I keep smiling to myself and these little butterflies in my tummy are going crazy. And now I feel like it's only going to happen when you feel like it. When YOU feel like it. I don't like that. :/ You made me really happy today. I want to make you happy too. I want to make you feel like I did today. If you'll let me. I feel like there's so much more I can say about today. But all that's really going through my mind is just.. "Omgsh Omgsh Omgsh..." I really hope this is real. It'd be really cruel if it was just another mean joke. But, I should know already to not get my hopes up. Don't worry... I didn't. You're still free.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Today is already ruined.
Well. Today.
Today is just already ruined.
Today would've been a good day.
If it wasn't today.
Happy 15 Months, Michael Ho.
I wonder what you're up to.
I wonder if you notice the date.
If you do, I wonder if you think about it today.
I wonder if you'll just think about it for a couple minutes then shrug it off.
No big deal.
I wonder if you'll hang out with people today. Having fun, not a care in the world.
I hope you have fun today.
[PS] I just read every single blog I wrote for you on this date. I don't know why. Stupid thing to do though. Now I just feel worse.
I want my great summer back.
If this is what it feels like to be home; alone and lonely?
Then I don't want to be here at all.
Today is just already ruined.
Today would've been a good day.
If it wasn't today.
Happy 15 Months, Michael Ho.
I wonder what you're up to.
I wonder if you notice the date.
If you do, I wonder if you think about it today.
I wonder if you'll just think about it for a couple minutes then shrug it off.
No big deal.
I wonder if you'll hang out with people today. Having fun, not a care in the world.
I hope you have fun today.
[PS] I just read every single blog I wrote for you on this date. I don't know why. Stupid thing to do though. Now I just feel worse.
I want my great summer back.
If this is what it feels like to be home; alone and lonely?
Then I don't want to be here at all.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I Had a Dream...
...and you were all over it. Like... the main character's love interest in a sad drama.
I kept getting hurt. It's like I can't runaway from you.
It's like I relived that fucking shit all over again.
The one thing I remember the most was me screaming at you. At you or For you. I'm not sure.
But I remember screaming,
Weird, huh?
Oh yeah, You were in my dream too. You asked me to dance, I said no. What a loser.
Anyways, I suspect today will be a good day. My Auntie is gonna treat Rittz and I to lunch in a little bit. Then, we'll probably take our TOMS SHOES pictures finally! Then later, for dindin, Rittz and I are gonna go out to eat PHO! With her UCR buddies.
Today's gonna be a good day.
I kept getting hurt. It's like I can't runaway from you.
It's like I relived that fucking shit all over again.
The one thing I remember the most was me screaming at you. At you or For you. I'm not sure.
But I remember screaming,
"I HATE YOU FOR NOT GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE! I GAVE YOU SO MANY SECOND CHANCES!"
Weird, huh?
Oh yeah, You were in my dream too. You asked me to dance, I said no. What a loser.
Anyways, I suspect today will be a good day. My Auntie is gonna treat Rittz and I to lunch in a little bit. Then, we'll probably take our TOMS SHOES pictures finally! Then later, for dindin, Rittz and I are gonna go out to eat PHO! With her UCR buddies.
Today's gonna be a good day.
Monday, June 21, 2010
In Aliso Viejo...
So I wanted to blog yesterday... but it was really late and my Uncle said to turn the laptop off..
Anyhoodles. Yesterday was Father's Day! We got my daddy a tshirt. Cute huh?
Alriight, so we went to church right? The people around us were distracting.
There was this old asian couple sitting next to me. And the husband's cane kept falling. And it fell on my foot. And it hurt. A lot.
And there was this family with a little baby... who threw up. And it smelled like cheese-its.
But not like good cheese-its. It was like... rotten, out in the sun cheese-its.
And it made me wanna throw up. But I didn't.
And there was this old lady sitting in front of my brother. She gave him a dollar for being a "good boy." Wtfuh. Weirdo.
So after church, we headed off to the beach to meet up with some of the familia.
On the way we saw a fire... anyone else see it?
And I saw a store sign that said "Condom Revolution."
Anyways, good day at the beach. It had the peerfect weather. :D
I'm in Aliso Viejo now. With Rittz and Veeno.
I'm gonna stay here the whole week, so that means no Harveston or Del Mar Fair! D:
Aww...
Oh yeah...
You wish you changed?!
That's such bullshit.
If you really wanted to... you would. So stop giving me crap about you actually caring.
What I really find strange.. is how you try so hard to impress him. It's sad and pathetic.
Anyhoodles. Yesterday was Father's Day! We got my daddy a tshirt. Cute huh?
Alriight, so we went to church right? The people around us were distracting.
There was this old asian couple sitting next to me. And the husband's cane kept falling. And it fell on my foot. And it hurt. A lot.
And there was this family with a little baby... who threw up. And it smelled like cheese-its.
But not like good cheese-its. It was like... rotten, out in the sun cheese-its.
And it made me wanna throw up. But I didn't.
And there was this old lady sitting in front of my brother. She gave him a dollar for being a "good boy." Wtfuh. Weirdo.
So after church, we headed off to the beach to meet up with some of the familia.
On the way we saw a fire... anyone else see it?
And I saw a store sign that said "Condom Revolution."
Anyways, good day at the beach. It had the peerfect weather. :D
I'm in Aliso Viejo now. With Rittz and Veeno.
I'm gonna stay here the whole week, so that means no Harveston or Del Mar Fair! D:
Aww...
Oh yeah...
You wish you changed?!
That's such bullshit.
If you really wanted to... you would. So stop giving me crap about you actually caring.
What I really find strange.. is how you try so hard to impress him. It's sad and pathetic.
Friday, June 18, 2010
We changed her name to Abby because it's easier to yell compared to Ariel.
Alright... so today started off a little slow. Just chillin in bed watching T.V.
Then Justin came over to practice for his rose dance. We ended up just practicing the waltz.
He got it really quickly.
We attempted to jam with my guitar, but it was pretty much a fail.
Then we walked to Ralph's, bought candy. Rips for him, Hershey's cookies and cream for me.
On the way back, his mom happened to be pulling out of the parking lot. XD Awkward.
Then we started walking back to the house, but my dad called and said to buy garlic.
So we walked back and bought garlic for $.50
After that, we just chilled on the couch and watched random shows.
A bit of my familia was over too.
The part I never really see at the family get togethers.
They brought their doggie, Abby.
Haha. She's cute. Whines a LOT, but still cuute.
So I was asking my madre about our plans for tomorrow for my padre's bday.
She said, "Oh, we're going to that place from last time with your auntie."
Okaaaay... there's a lot of places, last times and aunties... you need to be more specific X]
Then Justin came over to practice for his rose dance. We ended up just practicing the waltz.
He got it really quickly.
We attempted to jam with my guitar, but it was pretty much a fail.
Then we walked to Ralph's, bought candy. Rips for him, Hershey's cookies and cream for me.
On the way back, his mom happened to be pulling out of the parking lot. XD Awkward.
Then we started walking back to the house, but my dad called and said to buy garlic.
So we walked back and bought garlic for $.50
After that, we just chilled on the couch and watched random shows.
A bit of my familia was over too.
The part I never really see at the family get togethers.
They brought their doggie, Abby.
Haha. She's cute. Whines a LOT, but still cuute.
So I was asking my madre about our plans for tomorrow for my padre's bday.
She said, "Oh, we're going to that place from last time with your auntie."
Okaaaay... there's a lot of places, last times and aunties... you need to be more specific X]
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Can I Have This Dance?
So. I don't know where we are anymore.
Anyways... today was a good day!
Woke up early to be awake when Jennifer came over.
I made myself a pretty amazing savory french toast.
She ate her salmon and rice with soy sauce.
Then... we waited for Rem and Michael to come over.
And we waited... and waited... and waited.
OH! And.. Andrew and Mark are coming over too! Grreat.
So... we worked on the lifts and the waltz steps.
You gays better practice. I'm serious. With my serious face.
You prolly won't though... eff.
Whatev.
It was quite nice dancing with you. :]
My mom's screaming at the T.V.
I didn't know she could scream so high and loud.
Lakers <3
Anyways... today was a good day!
Woke up early to be awake when Jennifer came over.
I made myself a pretty amazing savory french toast.
She ate her salmon and rice with soy sauce.
Then... we waited for Rem and Michael to come over.
And we waited... and waited... and waited.
OH! And.. Andrew and Mark are coming over too! Grreat.
So... we worked on the lifts and the waltz steps.
You gays better practice. I'm serious. With my serious face.
You prolly won't though... eff.
Whatev.
It was quite nice dancing with you. :]
My mom's screaming at the T.V.
I didn't know she could scream so high and loud.
Lakers <3
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Charice effing Pempengco...
...has been on blast in my house all day thanks to my padre.
And it's not like... her album on a loop. It's ONE EFFING SONG!
A song I don't need to hear!
"All That I Need to Survive"
I feel your arms when I'm lonely
I make believe that you are still here with me
It's all I need
I feel your heart as if it was beating with mine
Whatevah. DGAF.
I'm over it.
And it's not like... her album on a loop. It's ONE EFFING SONG!
A song I don't need to hear!
"All That I Need to Survive"
I feel your arms when I'm lonely
I make believe that you are still here with me
It's all I need
I feel your heart as if it was beating with mine
Whatevah. DGAF.
I'm over it.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
The Last Kiss.
Yesterday, standing outside with you, under the stars.
I know it reminded you of the first time we kissed too.
It was very bittersweet. Thank you.
I had another good talk with Jakob. I guess, you're right. People do talk about us. Which is strange. They even take sides. Jakob didn't. Why is it necessary to take sides? As if this is a war. As if only one person tried to do the right thing. So thank you Jakob, for not choosing a side. Thank you for all your advice.
I was planning on writing some long-ass blog about how I felt yesterday. I decided not to.
All I need now is to keep busy, talk to my friends and just not think about it. About you.
I've cried so much.. I don't want to cry anymore.
Is it coincidental that my cousin showed me these videos recently?
He's somewhat strange...
I know it reminded you of the first time we kissed too.
It was very bittersweet. Thank you.
I had another good talk with Jakob. I guess, you're right. People do talk about us. Which is strange. They even take sides. Jakob didn't. Why is it necessary to take sides? As if this is a war. As if only one person tried to do the right thing. So thank you Jakob, for not choosing a side. Thank you for all your advice.
I was planning on writing some long-ass blog about how I felt yesterday. I decided not to.
All I need now is to keep busy, talk to my friends and just not think about it. About you.
I've cried so much.. I don't want to cry anymore.
Is it coincidental that my cousin showed me these videos recently?
He's somewhat strange...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
To All of Michael's Friends...
...who encouraged him to leave me.
It finally happened for real! I hope you're quite happy. I really do. You wanted him to leave me so much, he finally did it! Are you proud of him? He can be a part of everything you guys do over the summer. Maybe even longer than that. He can finally go to all your parties, try the "new things" you all want to try, go wherever he wants to go and do whatever he wants to do without having to worry about me or my feelings anymore. I know because he already started to yesterday. And he didn't even tell me about it until I asked him... which was expected. That was the last time I'll ever ask him about what he did. He has no worries now. So give him the best summer of his life. He says it's his teen years... so he deserves to have fun.
So while you're all doing that fun stuff, I'll be trying to get over everything that happened in the past fourteen and a half months. I'll be getting over the fact he can't have fun with me anymore, the fact that he actually hasn't had a really good time with me for a while now. I'll be getting over the fact that he wants to try all these new things... without me. While you have your trips to the beach, late-night parties, jams and sessions, I will be actively and constantly trying to not think about him and what he's up to, if he's making good choices. I'll try to occupy myself with everything else I planned to do this summer that doesn't involve him. I'll try to make new plans for the future. One's that don't include him.
Can I tell you about my conversation with him from last night?
He said he really needs this now. To see if he could still love me. He says I get quite bothersome. With my questions. He can't stand it when I ask him about what he's doing anymore. That he hates texting me. I wish there was a way to hear a heartbreak. I kept telling him it was all my fault. That I would fix myself. I wouldn't bother him anymore.
Damn, I put up a fight. It was like... desperation. For him. That makes sense.. because I love him and all. But you know, my compromises didn't work. He still didn't want me. He said that even his friends wanted us to break up. I could just imagine him telling you guys that it's final. That we've broken up today. And you're all cheering. That's the image I got in my head. That you'll congratulate him. He even told me to go to Acda for comfort! Acda! I never thought he would ever say that! But he did... so he must be okay with me talking to other guys.
It's funny... I had a very little talk with Andrew, when our families coincidentally happened to be eating at Asia Buffet after graduation. I told Andrew that Michael was single and going to a party, that he wouldn't be thinking about me, therefore he'd have nothing holding him back from doing whatever. It's funny... he said, "He'd never do that. Not after what happened." I believed him.
Stupid me, huh?
Yesterday, I believed that he will wait until I'm over him before he does all the stuff that will hurt me. I really believed it because he told me he wouldn't do any of it. But now... now I'm just hurting more because I know that he won't. He lacks the self-control and he's so curious. Please take care of him when he does that stuff. Not "take care" as in supply him, but take care of him.. just in case something bad happens.
So thank you to all of Michael's friends who will celebrate the fact we broke up. I know you have his best interests at heart. Have an amazing summer :] I mean it. Really.
[PS] Please remind him about his summer homework, and to prevent him from stressing out during the year.. remind him about his community service hours. He tends to forget a lot. I don't know if he's like that around you guys, but with me it happened often. Thanks again.
It finally happened for real! I hope you're quite happy. I really do. You wanted him to leave me so much, he finally did it! Are you proud of him? He can be a part of everything you guys do over the summer. Maybe even longer than that. He can finally go to all your parties, try the "new things" you all want to try, go wherever he wants to go and do whatever he wants to do without having to worry about me or my feelings anymore. I know because he already started to yesterday. And he didn't even tell me about it until I asked him... which was expected. That was the last time I'll ever ask him about what he did. He has no worries now. So give him the best summer of his life. He says it's his teen years... so he deserves to have fun.
So while you're all doing that fun stuff, I'll be trying to get over everything that happened in the past fourteen and a half months. I'll be getting over the fact he can't have fun with me anymore, the fact that he actually hasn't had a really good time with me for a while now. I'll be getting over the fact that he wants to try all these new things... without me. While you have your trips to the beach, late-night parties, jams and sessions, I will be actively and constantly trying to not think about him and what he's up to, if he's making good choices. I'll try to occupy myself with everything else I planned to do this summer that doesn't involve him. I'll try to make new plans for the future. One's that don't include him.
Can I tell you about my conversation with him from last night?
He said he really needs this now. To see if he could still love me. He says I get quite bothersome. With my questions. He can't stand it when I ask him about what he's doing anymore. That he hates texting me. I wish there was a way to hear a heartbreak. I kept telling him it was all my fault. That I would fix myself. I wouldn't bother him anymore.
Damn, I put up a fight. It was like... desperation. For him. That makes sense.. because I love him and all. But you know, my compromises didn't work. He still didn't want me. He said that even his friends wanted us to break up. I could just imagine him telling you guys that it's final. That we've broken up today. And you're all cheering. That's the image I got in my head. That you'll congratulate him. He even told me to go to Acda for comfort! Acda! I never thought he would ever say that! But he did... so he must be okay with me talking to other guys.
It's funny... I had a very little talk with Andrew, when our families coincidentally happened to be eating at Asia Buffet after graduation. I told Andrew that Michael was single and going to a party, that he wouldn't be thinking about me, therefore he'd have nothing holding him back from doing whatever. It's funny... he said, "He'd never do that. Not after what happened." I believed him.
Stupid me, huh?
Yesterday, I believed that he will wait until I'm over him before he does all the stuff that will hurt me. I really believed it because he told me he wouldn't do any of it. But now... now I'm just hurting more because I know that he won't. He lacks the self-control and he's so curious. Please take care of him when he does that stuff. Not "take care" as in supply him, but take care of him.. just in case something bad happens.
So thank you to all of Michael's friends who will celebrate the fact we broke up. I know you have his best interests at heart. Have an amazing summer :] I mean it. Really.
[PS] Please remind him about his summer homework, and to prevent him from stressing out during the year.. remind him about his community service hours. He tends to forget a lot. I don't know if he's like that around you guys, but with me it happened often. Thanks again.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Hi. I might go to a party tonight.
How do you go from last night:
"Good night jil! Youre the sweetest girl ever i mean it. I cant believe you waited for me and you have a final tomorrow. Youre truly the best girlfriend ever :] sweet dreams my baby"
To today:
"Cause I dont feel like it will work out..."
"I dont know what to do. I dont want to get back feeling pity"
"I really dont know jil"
"Well im leaning towards getting back but it might be cause im sorry for you being sad"
And then I ask you:
"So youre really done with me?"
"I hope not..."
"Do you want me to stop texting you now? sorry I bothered you again"
"Its okay."
So I was talking to him:
"wow what a jerk. i seriously think you should just leave him. im sorry."
"but i love him"
"i know you do. but ugh he's a jerk to you. wth. that makes me mad."
" :/ hes worth it"
"ok well. if you still wanna keep try keeping him im not stopping you. im just saying he's a jerk to you. and i dont wanna see you get hurt anymore :("
"i might regret it later on that i kept trying, but i feel like if i try harder, he can love me again."
"Good night jil! Youre the sweetest girl ever i mean it. I cant believe you waited for me and you have a final tomorrow. Youre truly the best girlfriend ever :] sweet dreams my baby"
To today:
"Cause I dont feel like it will work out..."
"I dont know what to do. I dont want to get back feeling pity"
"I really dont know jil"
"Well im leaning towards getting back but it might be cause im sorry for you being sad"
And then I ask you:
"So youre really done with me?"
"I hope not..."
"Do you want me to stop texting you now? sorry I bothered you again"
"Its okay."
So I was talking to him:
"wow what a jerk. i seriously think you should just leave him. im sorry."
"but i love him"
"i know you do. but ugh he's a jerk to you. wth. that makes me mad."
" :/ hes worth it"
"ok well. if you still wanna keep try keeping him im not stopping you. im just saying he's a jerk to you. and i dont wanna see you get hurt anymore :("
"i might regret it later on that i kept trying, but i feel like if i try harder, he can love me again."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Today didn't go the way I thought it would.
You told me to get on the computer to get my mind of you.
So now I'm on the computer, my mind is still racing with thoughts of you... here it goes.
I expected the day to go a lot like this:
We'd wake up, realize it's supposed to be our fourteenth monthiversary, put on our couple tees and go to school. When we got there, we would talk.. yah know.. hang out in the morning, during break and at lunch. Just like old times. Then after lunch, as you walk me to the choir room, we would both realize that what we had was special and know that it still is special. Then you'd ask me to be your girlfriend again. There couldn't be a day more perfect than our monthiversary! I'd happily say yes and we hug and kiss each other for the first time in what seems like forever.
I think that sounds like a pretty reasonable day right?
But of course, it didn't turn out like that...
We both woke up late today. You rushed to school because you couldn't miss your graphic design fair. I went back to sleep for a little before I started getting ready around 8. I wore your shirt and the gold envelope necklace. So then I went to school, saw Andrew in the office so he and I walked to psychology together. Nothing really special happened. When the bell rang I went to your class to see if you were there. Sign said MPR. Went to the quad, still no you. Bell rang, went to ASL, still no you. You walked in, out-of-breath. First thing I checked was your shirt. It was yellow. To match with Lynden. That's cute. I didn't tell you I wore the envelope necklace after that. You said you had to help clean up the fair, that's why you weren't there at break. Okay, that's fine. We walked to anatomy together. Worked on our anatomy notebooks together. Walked to lunch together. Ate lunch together... kind of. Went to jazz after that. Before you left to go to dance, you asked me to be your girlfriend again. FINALLY! SOMETHING WENT RIGHT! I got all giddy and said yes. Then you asked for a kiss, I was kinda hesitant, so you showed me your cheek, Went to kiss your cheek, you turned your head, oh you sneaky you, stole my kiss for your lips. I didn't care... I got the butterflies. Lots of them. I was so happy, but still confused about what we were. So I went to dance to ask you... you were confused too. Then you texted me, "I don't know if I want to anymore." My heart dropped to my stomach.
So now we just had that long talk on the phone, I'm crying, you're saying your sorry. You said it feels so hard to leave me. I still don't know if that's the guilt talking. I really don't want it to be, but I'm so sure it is. You told me to hate you, but I could never do that.
You asked yourself a lot of questions too. How can I just leave knowing everything you've done for me? You were the best, how can I break up you? I found out that it wasn't just because you liked the freedom. You didn't want to have to worry about me. Which you did a lot apparently. Funny, I thought boyfriends were supposed to worry about their girlfriends. You said you got bored of me. Tired of me. One of the most feared things I wished to never happen. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I got so boring, so routine. I didn't mean to push you away like that.
I fought for you today. I tried to compromise. I fought for you and it really wasn't enough. It kills me. It really sucks to be told you got boring. I don't understand. I honestly thought you were having fun with me. Maybe you really were happy sometimes... but I guess it's just not enough. You need your friends right now. You need this summer to have unrestricted fun. Damn, it really hurts to say that. As if I was limiting you, when I really encouraged you. Unrestricted also means... free to meet new people. New girls. Better girls. And I know you know that means I can too.. but I never ever thought about being anyone else other than you. Why would I when I had the perfect boyfriend?
So it's really official today. It started off as a break, that led to an experiment of sorts to see if you would really miss me, to this. This. This sucks. I feel like my heart has broken so many times these past few days. I keep getting that rock bottom feeling in my chest. Like my heart is emptying itself out.
And maybe that's what I need to do. Empty my heart and mind from thoughts of you. It'll be the hardest thing to forget everything we went through though. I'm pretty sure it'll be impossible. Everything in my room reminds me of you. Don't you hate that? Getting to the point when everything you see is a little reminder of what used to be?
So... blogging will probably be one of my best friends for a while. Until I get over you. Until then, I'll keep myself busy. I'll talk to other people, meet new people. I'll keep all.. or most of.. the things you've given me tucked away. It'll make the healing process go faster I hope. I just know that in the back of mind... my subconscious or something.. will constantly be asking, "When are you gonna take me back?" Please don't make me wait too long. You need to tell me soon or get over me, move on with another girl or just shut me out of your life. That way... you really wouldn't have to worry about me. And I'll get the picture.
I know we won't be together. But please try not to do anything that'll break my heart. Not any time soon.
So now I'm on the computer, my mind is still racing with thoughts of you... here it goes.
I expected the day to go a lot like this:
We'd wake up, realize it's supposed to be our fourteenth monthiversary, put on our couple tees and go to school. When we got there, we would talk.. yah know.. hang out in the morning, during break and at lunch. Just like old times. Then after lunch, as you walk me to the choir room, we would both realize that what we had was special and know that it still is special. Then you'd ask me to be your girlfriend again. There couldn't be a day more perfect than our monthiversary! I'd happily say yes and we hug and kiss each other for the first time in what seems like forever.
I think that sounds like a pretty reasonable day right?
But of course, it didn't turn out like that...
We both woke up late today. You rushed to school because you couldn't miss your graphic design fair. I went back to sleep for a little before I started getting ready around 8. I wore your shirt and the gold envelope necklace. So then I went to school, saw Andrew in the office so he and I walked to psychology together. Nothing really special happened. When the bell rang I went to your class to see if you were there. Sign said MPR. Went to the quad, still no you. Bell rang, went to ASL, still no you. You walked in, out-of-breath. First thing I checked was your shirt. It was yellow. To match with Lynden. That's cute. I didn't tell you I wore the envelope necklace after that. You said you had to help clean up the fair, that's why you weren't there at break. Okay, that's fine. We walked to anatomy together. Worked on our anatomy notebooks together. Walked to lunch together. Ate lunch together... kind of. Went to jazz after that. Before you left to go to dance, you asked me to be your girlfriend again. FINALLY! SOMETHING WENT RIGHT! I got all giddy and said yes. Then you asked for a kiss, I was kinda hesitant, so you showed me your cheek, Went to kiss your cheek, you turned your head, oh you sneaky you, stole my kiss for your lips. I didn't care... I got the butterflies. Lots of them. I was so happy, but still confused about what we were. So I went to dance to ask you... you were confused too. Then you texted me, "I don't know if I want to anymore." My heart dropped to my stomach.
So now we just had that long talk on the phone, I'm crying, you're saying your sorry. You said it feels so hard to leave me. I still don't know if that's the guilt talking. I really don't want it to be, but I'm so sure it is. You told me to hate you, but I could never do that.
You asked yourself a lot of questions too. How can I just leave knowing everything you've done for me? You were the best, how can I break up you? I found out that it wasn't just because you liked the freedom. You didn't want to have to worry about me. Which you did a lot apparently. Funny, I thought boyfriends were supposed to worry about their girlfriends. You said you got bored of me. Tired of me. One of the most feared things I wished to never happen. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I got so boring, so routine. I didn't mean to push you away like that.
I fought for you today. I tried to compromise. I fought for you and it really wasn't enough. It kills me. It really sucks to be told you got boring. I don't understand. I honestly thought you were having fun with me. Maybe you really were happy sometimes... but I guess it's just not enough. You need your friends right now. You need this summer to have unrestricted fun. Damn, it really hurts to say that. As if I was limiting you, when I really encouraged you. Unrestricted also means... free to meet new people. New girls. Better girls. And I know you know that means I can too.. but I never ever thought about being anyone else other than you. Why would I when I had the perfect boyfriend?
So it's really official today. It started off as a break, that led to an experiment of sorts to see if you would really miss me, to this. This. This sucks. I feel like my heart has broken so many times these past few days. I keep getting that rock bottom feeling in my chest. Like my heart is emptying itself out.
And maybe that's what I need to do. Empty my heart and mind from thoughts of you. It'll be the hardest thing to forget everything we went through though. I'm pretty sure it'll be impossible. Everything in my room reminds me of you. Don't you hate that? Getting to the point when everything you see is a little reminder of what used to be?
So... blogging will probably be one of my best friends for a while. Until I get over you. Until then, I'll keep myself busy. I'll talk to other people, meet new people. I'll keep all.. or most of.. the things you've given me tucked away. It'll make the healing process go faster I hope. I just know that in the back of mind... my subconscious or something.. will constantly be asking, "When are you gonna take me back?" Please don't make me wait too long. You need to tell me soon or get over me, move on with another girl or just shut me out of your life. That way... you really wouldn't have to worry about me. And I'll get the picture.
I know we won't be together. But please try not to do anything that'll break my heart. Not any time soon.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I don't know anymore.
32709 - 52610.
We were both convinced, so I can't blame you.
I was convinced so much that it hurts.
"I don't know how I feel."
"I don't know what you want from me."
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't know what kind of relationship you want."
"How do you know?"
The last time someone told me he didn't know what he wanted... things ended badly. I know that won't happen between us and that comparing the two situations is kinda dumb, but this feeling is so... I don't even know.
I've known exactly what you've done every day for more than a year. Fourteen months tomorrow. Or... would've been.
I can't help wondering if this decision is unnecessary, I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking it's unnecessary. If I love you, why would I let you go?
The answer to that... I want you to be happy. You told your friends that you loved this new freedom. I don't want to take that away from you... even though I wasn't even the one who held you back in the first place.
It was your guilt that kept you from doing what you wanted. The sound of my voice triggered some part of your consciousness to tell you to stay home and talk to me. Yeah, I was sad sometimes, most of the time I encouraged it, so please don't tell me it's my fault that you didn't get a lot of freedom.
So we're friends now and it's the strangest feeling. I feel like telling you I still love you would be really inappropriate. You worried about me being sad. That was your only concern about us breaking up. Thank you for thinking about my feelings, but I know I'll get over you.. eventually. All I need are my friends.. and time. Maybe lots of time.
You were my first serious relationship so maybe I'm wrong about being in love with you. But, I'm so sure that I am. Remember... all those things in that book I wrote for you and more. Much more. Maybe this makes me sound pathetic, but you know? We told each other we loved each other for a year. Hearing you take it back... it just sucks.
But for your sake, I'll think of all the happy things going on in my life. It may not seem like much.. seeing as I'm sick, lost my voice, have craploads of homework, etc, but I'll try. I'll try really hard so you won't have to see me sad. Because if I'm sad, you might confuse missing me and wanting to be with me.. with guilt. I don't want you to feel guilty.
Now I just hope that you're happy. Sincerely. I truly hope that you'll be happier now. Like you said, these are you teenage years and you want to have fun with your friends. I always thought that you were having fun... I always thought that you were getting enough time with your friends. You always made it seem like you really wanted to be around me. I guess that's what we get for keeping stuff from each other.
You said it's hard breaking up with someone who still loves you because your break ups in the past were mutual. Well, let me tell you something... it's not easier or better being the one that's still in love.
There's so many things running through my mind. I can't seem to get them all down right now. I'll this here for now. I'll probably come back and write more. But for now... this is hard. This is the worst I've felt in a really long time.
So here are my parting words. They may look a bit familiar.
I hope you figure out what you want soon. Because by the time you figure it out... it might be too late.
We were both convinced, so I can't blame you.
I was convinced so much that it hurts.
"I don't know how I feel."
"I don't know what you want from me."
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't know what kind of relationship you want."
"How do you know?"
The last time someone told me he didn't know what he wanted... things ended badly. I know that won't happen between us and that comparing the two situations is kinda dumb, but this feeling is so... I don't even know.
I've known exactly what you've done every day for more than a year. Fourteen months tomorrow. Or... would've been.
I can't help wondering if this decision is unnecessary, I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking it's unnecessary. If I love you, why would I let you go?
The answer to that... I want you to be happy. You told your friends that you loved this new freedom. I don't want to take that away from you... even though I wasn't even the one who held you back in the first place.
It was your guilt that kept you from doing what you wanted. The sound of my voice triggered some part of your consciousness to tell you to stay home and talk to me. Yeah, I was sad sometimes, most of the time I encouraged it, so please don't tell me it's my fault that you didn't get a lot of freedom.
So we're friends now and it's the strangest feeling. I feel like telling you I still love you would be really inappropriate. You worried about me being sad. That was your only concern about us breaking up. Thank you for thinking about my feelings, but I know I'll get over you.. eventually. All I need are my friends.. and time. Maybe lots of time.
You were my first serious relationship so maybe I'm wrong about being in love with you. But, I'm so sure that I am. Remember... all those things in that book I wrote for you and more. Much more. Maybe this makes me sound pathetic, but you know? We told each other we loved each other for a year. Hearing you take it back... it just sucks.
But for your sake, I'll think of all the happy things going on in my life. It may not seem like much.. seeing as I'm sick, lost my voice, have craploads of homework, etc, but I'll try. I'll try really hard so you won't have to see me sad. Because if I'm sad, you might confuse missing me and wanting to be with me.. with guilt. I don't want you to feel guilty.
Now I just hope that you're happy. Sincerely. I truly hope that you'll be happier now. Like you said, these are you teenage years and you want to have fun with your friends. I always thought that you were having fun... I always thought that you were getting enough time with your friends. You always made it seem like you really wanted to be around me. I guess that's what we get for keeping stuff from each other.
You said it's hard breaking up with someone who still loves you because your break ups in the past were mutual. Well, let me tell you something... it's not easier or better being the one that's still in love.
There's so many things running through my mind. I can't seem to get them all down right now. I'll this here for now. I'll probably come back and write more. But for now... this is hard. This is the worst I've felt in a really long time.
So here are my parting words. They may look a bit familiar.
I hope you figure out what you want soon. Because by the time you figure it out... it might be too late.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Lol You're Funny.
Haha.
You're not the topic of every conversation I have, hon.
Calm down and get over yourself.
Mkay, pumpkin?
;D
So I'm excited for tomorrow.
032709 <3
Plus it's the Junior Honor Guard meeting thing.
So that should be fun.
You're not the topic of every conversation I have, hon.
Calm down and get over yourself.
Mkay, pumpkin?
;D
So I'm excited for tomorrow.
032709 <3
Plus it's the Junior Honor Guard meeting thing.
So that should be fun.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Lol. I hate...
I hate scrolling down my dashboard and seeing unnecessarily crude pictures.
And... pictures with people's huge faces on them. I scares me.
So I was supposed to volunteer at MSJC today for the Autism Center, but the babysitter didn't come.. so I couldn't.
I'm going to watch You're a Good Man Charlie Brown later at 7.
Can't wait to see the opening cast. Especially Annica! :D
I hate how hot it is.
And... pictures with people's huge faces on them. I scares me.
So I was supposed to volunteer at MSJC today for the Autism Center, but the babysitter didn't come.. so I couldn't.
I'm going to watch You're a Good Man Charlie Brown later at 7.
Can't wait to see the opening cast. Especially Annica! :D
I hate how hot it is.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Like that?!
Alright. So fun day.
Lol. April showed me her "Wreck This Journal" book [exact same one I got for Michael.] and I noticed a lil' somethin somethin. I edited it to suit my taste. ;] YAH LIKE THAT?!
Anyways, Michael came over to the haus after school. He showed me his bejeweled skills... cute. We had to walk with my little brother, Jeric, and his friend Jake to Alta Murrieta Elementary. We went to the carnival. FOOD WAS SO EXPENSIVE. So yeah. Deena, Jira and Lilly were there, volunteering. We made paper bag puppets at their station. Cute huh?!
You know what's cuter???
Michael's little cousins! Coose! Your sisters are adorableeee.
After the carnival, we started walking back home, but then Michael's uncle offered to drive us home. So thank you very kindly :D
We watched Get Smart back at the haus. Michael loved it. Hahah.
I fell asleep through most of it though. :P
Lol. April showed me her "Wreck This Journal" book [exact same one I got for Michael.] and I noticed a lil' somethin somethin. I edited it to suit my taste. ;] YAH LIKE THAT?!
Anyways, Michael came over to the haus after school. He showed me his bejeweled skills... cute. We had to walk with my little brother, Jeric, and his friend Jake to Alta Murrieta Elementary. We went to the carnival. FOOD WAS SO EXPENSIVE. So yeah. Deena, Jira and Lilly were there, volunteering. We made paper bag puppets at their station. Cute huh?!
You know what's cuter???Michael's little cousins! Coose! Your sisters are adorableeee.
After the carnival, we started walking back home, but then Michael's uncle offered to drive us home. So thank you very kindly :D
We watched Get Smart back at the haus. Michael loved it. Hahah.
I fell asleep through most of it though. :P
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Good Day, except for you.
You have got to be the most inconsiderate asshole I've ever had the displeasure to meet.
I wanted to always know/remember you as an amazing person, but forget that, you're such a dick.
I wanted to watch TV, but you were always in that effing room.
Anyways, good day.
chilled with Drea at her place
attempted to fix my hair with her odd straighteners
ate some mangoes
went to Mike's
chilled at Mike's
I wanted to know what's so awesome about porn, so they [Kris] showed me some
took a walk with Drea
attempted to go to White Lime but my paranoia sucks
tried to get a ride with Daniel or Rem but they're bitches
attempted to walk back to Mike's but we got lost LOL
went back and freaked out when we heard the icecream truck
made root beer floats when we got back
watched their game of seven to smoke...right?
Overall Good Day
I wanted to always know/remember you as an amazing person, but forget that, you're such a dick.
I wanted to watch TV, but you were always in that effing room.
Anyways, good day.
chilled with Drea at her place
attempted to fix my hair with her odd straighteners
ate some mangoes
went to Mike's
chilled at Mike's
I wanted to know what's so awesome about porn, so they [Kris] showed me some
took a walk with Drea
attempted to go to White Lime but my paranoia sucks
tried to get a ride with Daniel or Rem but they're bitches
attempted to walk back to Mike's but we got lost LOL
went back and freaked out when we heard the icecream truck
made root beer floats when we got back
watched their game of seven to smoke...right?
Overall Good Day
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Go hide the eggs again!
Alright. So my Easter was pretty good this year.My family went to church, where we were met by... no seats.
Which is pretty lame since they were filled with the twice-a-year people. My Ate Elma and I agree that seats should be reserved for people that actually go to church regularly.
Anyways, we were standing at the back of the church for the longest time with my cousins and their parentals, trying to figure out what to do... so we went to the outdoor mass at the side of the church. We had to sit separately, which sucked. I sat with Jeric, under the sun, getting as dark as can be. I hate my ability to tan easily. After mass, we met up with everyone else and tried to figure out where to go since this was a last minute thing.
We decided to go to our place, which wasn't exactly convenient since we didn't spiff up the place. Everyone bought food wherever. There was a really nice salmon that one of the aunties brought... but we had to wait for my dad to buy paper plates... hah. Really unprepared. So yeah, we feasted.After that, those two cuties in that picture over there went egg hunting in our backyard. Originally we had like... 14 eggs that I filled with little chocolates, so when the two kids found them all, they weren't satisfied and we had to secretly steal the eggs from them and re-hid them. LOL Jacob, the cutie with the vest, found ants in his eggs because of the chocolates. Yeah, we took those away. Then my madre found more eggs in the garage, so we hid them... still empty... so when Jacob found one he was like, "ZEROOO?!" [as in zero goodies inside the egg. haha] So my uncle offered to give him money for every empty egg he found. The cutie in pink, Jiana, was sooo cute, trying to count her eggs and mumbling after she reached 8 because she
can't count that high. :]So yeah, after that, we feasted more, played wii. Lol, my Kuya Edmond was playing this LEGO Indiana Jones game and gosh. I'm not even gonna try to explain it because it was one of those you-had-to-be-there moments. All my cousins were in the living room, watching them play. That's when the earthquake hit. Ate Erin thought it was because we were all too excited, causing the couch to move, but yeah, we figured out it was the quake. It was so effing long too. It freaked Jeric out, he almost ran out the front door. He started crying, saying "I don't wanna die!" D: But yeah, my older cousins were all, "Shouldn't we do something? Like... what they taught us in school?" We all just kinda sat still in our seats, waiting to see if it was worth moving for. X]
Anyways, it just stopped so then we popped in Family Feud and played that 'til everyone left.
Gooood times on Easter. :D
Great start for this week.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
I had a dream...
...Where I beat the shit out of you.
It was going pretty well until you effing grabbed my face and kissed me.
I wish I stayed asleep long enough to punch you in the throat 50 bajillion more times.
Why?
It was going pretty well until you effing grabbed my face and kissed me.
I wish I stayed asleep long enough to punch you in the throat 50 bajillion more times.
Why?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Haven't been here in a while.
I decided to visit because this seems to be the place where I rant the best.
Before I rant,
I just cleaned for the loooongest effing time.
From effing 11am to now.
Eff you, Spring Cleaning,
My room still looks the same.
This kind of still is a rant. Idk.
It's insane. I surprised myself with how much credit I give other people. It must be because I'm so oblivious and out-of-the-loop now-a-days [you like those hyphens].
Hello You,
You are a coward. So much wasted energy on you. You're not worth it. I'll admit, I'm a coward too, but not as much as you.
I'm not really your friend. I'd like to be. I'd love to be actually, but... Whenever you need me you'll come talk, state your problem, get my advice, walk away. "Oh, my life is going great! Thanks for asking!" :D
You say you care, but you don't. You think you're being funny, but you're not. The only way to keep up with you and get your attention is with some juicy gossip or being as equally mean as you are [which is difficult], otherwise it's "Okay! Bye!" in the middle of my sentence.
I can't believe how much of a slut you are.
You need to be more careful about what comes out of your mouth... and maybe should watch what goes in.
This probably isn't about you.
You DGAF anyways.
Love,
Jil
Could you tell I was running out of salutations?
I'm the meanest person you'll ever meet.
This isn't even a rant.
Before I rant,
I just cleaned for the loooongest effing time.
From effing 11am to now.
Eff you, Spring Cleaning,
My room still looks the same.
This kind of still is a rant. Idk.
rant–nounSo, I've already said this before, but I've lost so much respect for so many people this year.1. ranting, extravagant, or violent declamation.2. a ranting utterance
It's insane. I surprised myself with how much credit I give other people. It must be because I'm so oblivious and out-of-the-loop now-a-days [you like those hyphens].
Hello You,
You are a coward. So much wasted energy on you. You're not worth it. I'll admit, I'm a coward too, but not as much as you.
I'm not really your friend. I'd like to be. I'd love to be actually, but... Whenever you need me you'll come talk, state your problem, get my advice, walk away. "Oh, my life is going great! Thanks for asking!" :D
You say you care, but you don't. You think you're being funny, but you're not. The only way to keep up with you and get your attention is with some juicy gossip or being as equally mean as you are [which is difficult], otherwise it's "Okay! Bye!" in the middle of my sentence.
I can't believe how much of a slut you are.
You need to be more careful about what comes out of your mouth... and maybe should watch what goes in.
This probably isn't about you.
You DGAF anyways.
Love,
Jil
Could you tell I was running out of salutations?
I'm the meanest person you'll ever meet.
This isn't even a rant.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I need to remember that
1. A lot of people will make me mad and frustrated
2. I am not the topic of every conversation, so I need to stop freaking out if I think people are talking shit about me
3. I am a mere mortal who makes mistakes
4. I am not a Smarty McSmart pants like Tim Earr and all those top ten kids
5. I still am pretty damn smart
6. I don't have to prove anything to anyone
7. I shouldn't waste my time trying to be good friends or making amends with someone who won't take the time to do the same for me
8. I still have homework that I need to finish so I should log off now and go do it
9. I probably won't even keep in touch with my high school friends once we graduate; so should I even make a big deal if I lose them now?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I heard...
...that around 70% of "I'm just kidding" jokes aren't really... kidding.
That doesn't make me feel good.
I got a little hurt today.
Man up, Jil. Get over it.
That doesn't make me feel good.
I got a little hurt today.
Man up, Jil. Get over it.
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