1566 Days

1566 days = 4 years, 3 months and 13 days

This isn’t the first time we’ve been in this situation before, but this time is different. It has a definite finality to it. Even though I’ve been mentioning the possibility of it for about two years now… I wasn’t prepared for it. And what started off as a mutual decision feels like… well it feels like I got left behind… again. I suppose it had to happen this way. I wouldn’t have had the strength to let go. 

I guess I’m just frustrated. Frustrated and hurt because it had to go this far in order for you to want to better yourself. We say it’s good intentions. This is will be great for us! We’re going to make our relationship stronger, you’ll see. I really hope you’re right. Because I have this annoying nagging voice in the back of my head telling me it’s not going to turn out like how we hope it will. All I can imagine is you forgetting about me. Because really… it will be heartbreakingly easy for you to forget about me. Even though we made this decision in hopes that you would focus on your future, you’ll have your friends and your fun and you will be completely fine taking your time. And as I’ve mentioned before, I just want to be proved wrong for once. 

But I know I won’t be.

And all you can say is “I’m sorry."

1566 days and… you’re sorry.

I think this goes beyond you trying to find your purpose in life for the sake of our relationship… I think we can both agree that you turned numb again, and you’re using this situation as an excuse. Which is something I’ll deal with I suppose.

This would be a little bit easier for me if you weren’t everywhere. Despite the fact that you were forbidden from entering my room, you basically live in it. The plushies from the fair, Downtown Disney and Round One… the B2ST poster, the Perry the Platypus slippers, the Disney Expo fan hanging on my wall, the Diaso fan, the 64 origami hearts, the Kingdom Heart keychain (bet you don’t remember that one), the bounty of clothing I both unintentionally and purposefully stole from you… all of that is about 10% of the evidence of you just within my room. It’s suffocating, yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of them all. 

I know it’s going to be hard waking up in the morning… because for a few seconds you think everything is perfectly okay, and things are just going about their usual way. But then you remember you’re not okay. Things are different. And all those promises you made about feeling better— I won’t cry tomorrow. I’m going to be productive and happy—just turn to shit, and the feelings you got used to the night before just hit you all over again. And fuck, everything just changed so fast… like how I won’t have to keep my cell plugged in at night because there will be no call eating up my battery life. And all our plans for the summer… your birthday, KCON, blueberry picking… 

You know, I’m not just losing you romantically.. I’m losing my absolute best friend too. And that’s what’s currently killing me right now. 

Seriously, who the fuck is going to spaz over B2ST with me. 

So I guess the purpose of writing this is a way of letting myself vulnerable and pathetic one last time before I start making an effort to… I don’t know… feel better about myself? 

I think I’m already feeling better.

So I’ll close with this:

“I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.” ― Frederick E. Perl"

I hate

how I could have been exactly like her, or close to it.

I feel so... ugh.

I feel like I just want to give up on life. There's nothing unique about me. Nothing that people need me for. I'm so... average. I'm just average. I'm an average singer, average dancer, average artist, average baker. There's never been anything that I'm really good at. Nothing that I can really call "my thing" you know? I have friends that design and they're damn good. I know a shitload of amazing singers. I know a lot of talented dancers too. Just.. OMG where the hell do I go? I'm like... nothing.

What I was hoping we'd talk about...

So I called you after I finished watching a movie, a really cute movie that I thought you'd like.
I wanted to talk to you about it and how we could watch it when you come over tomorrow. I wanted to talk about our plans for the SDSU Open House and which places to visit. I wanted to tell you how scared I am about this earthquake that's supposed to happen in the upcoming week. I wanted to fall asleep on the phone with you, happy and excited for tomorrow.
I'm sorry I was upset, but it's hard to be so happy when you feel like everything's your fault. Sorry I didn't warn you before calling. Funny, because if you ever really wanted to talk to me, I'd drop whatever I was doing to talk to you. And sorry for wanting to have a conversation before sleeping; I just really like hearing your voice and talking to you about random stuff. And sorry for not sleeping when you told me to... because that's the reason why my mom made me sweep the floor. I wasn't asleep soon enough to dodge it because I didn't listen to you, not because you wanted to chill for a few more minutes before calling me. Sorry for all that. I'm really tough to be with huh?
I'm sorry I'm not constantly thankful and happy because "at least you're talking to me at all", I'm really trying to be happy. Because you do make me happy Michael, when you're not constantly trying to make me feel bad about a mistake I'm trying to fix. That's logical right? You understand? I really love you. And I'm trying to fix everything and get it back to where we used to be. It's just going to take a while, not only because you obviously need time, but because I feel like I ask for forgiveness everyday even though you supposedly already forgave me. I don't know where I am right now. Where we are...
Still figuring it out.
I love you, Michael.

Welts turned out a lot bigger than I expected...
I actually like this one better than the one Andrew took.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
The number 7 reminds me of you. 27.
Maybe I should make it 9.

You're asleep right now.
Yeah, maybe I am expecting too much.
I guess I'm just eager.
Yeah, maybe I am scared.
Is that wrong? I'm not saying you're the bad guy.
I'm not saying that at all.
I meant that I'm scared because my mistake gives you license to make the same or similar one if you want and use it as an excuse to justify it.
That's why I'm scared.
I thought for a long time about how you can practically do whatever you want, and how I feel like I can't say anything about it hurting me because deep down, I'll know I deserve it. I just... aklfjlkajdikdjfdf.. I don't know.

I love you, Michael.
Even when you don't say it back.
Because I mean it.

:]

Hi. After school, we argued.
I was upset because I felt like you were purposefully making me carry around this thing that the two of you worked on together... that I would see your names together on the bottom right hand corner and get sad. Yeah... well I got sad. And I don't remember what you said, just something that hurt me and I didn't feel like riding home with you because of how much it hurt. [Stupid now, because I cant even remember.] So I told you I'd find another ride and yeah I was hoping you'd say 'no' ride with me... but yeah you just walked away. And I sat down and I was trying not to cry like a loser by myself and I was freaking out because Drea didn't pick up her phone and none of the bboys were there so I didn't know who to ask for a ride home. But then you called me and asked if I found a ride... and I just felt really stupid saying no. So you made me walk over to where you were and whatever, I don't even know.
And then... then you said I never supported you and that upset me even more. You have no idea how much I want to show you off to everyone. You have no effing idea.

Then... it was almost something from a movie. You put your arm around me and I thought you would leave it at that. That simple action still would've made me all giddy inside. But then, you turned your head towards me and... you kissed me. And after that I felt like I could do anything... I just got really confused after. But, I'll figure stuff out I suppose. I'm happy...

So, I talked to a few people today... not as much as I hoped. But I did...

Anyway, it just keeps coming back to bother me. I keep trying not to let it. But I keep thinking about how you were never going to tell me and I keep trying not to get upset or mad, because I feel like I deserve it. But someone made a point about how I was planning on telling you, but it was just poor timing, yet... even if I didn't make my mistake, you still would've kept your secret from me. And I never would have known. And I'm trying so hard not to make a big deal out of it, but I just keep feeling hurt. And all these questions are running through my head, like if you liked it and how long it lasted and if she was really pretty... she must've been. And I keep wondering what you guys did at her house and if you had fun and made plans to come over again. Idk... I'm trying to forget it.. like I hope you're trying to do now, but I don't think you will. So yeah, idk. People kept telling me that it's not fair because it's almost the same concept in both situations, we both didn't keep our promises. Oh well. I deserve it though. That's what you'd say.

Almost done with homework...
Your family is so nice to me. Thanks again for the mocha and stuffs... I think there's still $3 in your dad's car. That's why I was smiling. You have cute toes. I got sad when you said, "to mess around with you." I really hope this isn't a game...
I love you, Michael.