Unless I did my math wrong...

I've been up for nearly 30 hours. And I still don't think I can sleep...
This is a new record. Last time I pulled an all nighter, I fell asleep on my pancakes.
I ate an apple and drank some sweet tea today. I couldn't finish it. I had some fish and rice too... couldn't finish that either, so I'm saving it all for tomorrow.

I keep replaying those words...

Those words you said last night..

I would've rather had you shoot me.

And yet... "I'd rather you be my wife."

I'm yours...

My mom's watching Valentine's Day in the other room. I tried to watch it with her, thought I could handle it.. but I couldn't. I couldn't even go a minute without thinking of you. I remember when we watched it with our friends last year. I started crying and let the room...

Something that I've been trying so hard not to effect me is what you finally told me. I keep telling myself that I have no right to be angry, because I broke a promise. But I keep thinking.. you did too. And I doubt you ever planned on telling me. I planned on telling you today... when you were supposed to come over and work on our choreo. But obviously, it was too late. And now, last night you kept wanting me to hate you or something. For dancing with those girls.. the way you said you disliked. So don't think that I have no clue how your feeling. Because I do know. From the weed and the alcohol and now.. everything you said last night. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying so hard. In fact, I believe I deserve to get hurt. I deserve to hear all this now. I know I have no right to be upset... but it hurts. And...I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to say that, yeah, I did get hurt.. but I do know that I deserve to be. So... this post was just a whole lotta nothing.

I'm sorry I screwed it all up. But I guess it's good, because now you can never be the bad guy. It'll always be me. I love you Michael... always.

So happy, yet incredibly sad.

I went to walmart today. I wanted to get you something. But I only had $4. I looked around the crafts section, thought about making you a shirt, but I wanted to save that idea for later. I went to the baking section, but I didn't have enough money to buy the things I needed.. so I'll save that for later too. I ended up buying you girl scout cookies. Caramel Delites. Your favorite. Spending my last $4 on you was worth it :] because I got to see you. I walked over to your house with Joel. You met us before we got there. Joel was happy to see you. He wanted your hat. I was so happy to see you, I was trying so hard not to cry. I pulled out the cookies and handed it to you and you looked so excited. I was afraid you'd say something sarcastic about it. You said they were perfect. That made me more than happy. I thought right after I gave them to you, we just go our separate ways again... but you started walking us back home. And I kept hoping that it wasn't because you felt obligated, but because you really wanted to walk us home. You had your arm around me at one point and I held onto you and cried. I missed it. Your arm around me. I missed you so much. I kept saying sorry. I saw a couple of boys walking behind us and I hoped you wouldn't leave til they were gone. I get scared walking by myself or just with Joel... Anyway, you were smiling. And I don't know why. I wanted to smile because you were smiling. It wasn't one of those big smiles. But a thinking type of smile, but it made me happy to see it anyway, even though I don't deserve to be happy right now. You have no idea how much I just wanted to hold you for hours, telling you how sorry I was. And how pathetic and worthless I feel. When you left, you held me and kissed my forehead, and I wanted to cry even more and kiss you and hold you and tell you how much I love you. I started to walk away, but I turned around and gave you a kiss on the cheek. You told me to wash my lips. I'm still trying to figure out what you meant, but I died a little inside. I'm sorry. But while I was walking home, helping Joel ride his bike, I was crying... still beating myself up for hurting you. And feeling dirty and stupid and ugly. But at the same time I was happy... because i got to see you. And I'm going to remember you holding me for those two or three seconds forever. I love you, Michael.

Running On..

- No sleep. I couldn't without you there. I was thinking too much. Thinking about all the ways I could try to win you back. Thinking about what I can do to prove myself. I tried so hard to go to sleep. I really did. I tried to sing myself to sleep. I tried working out to tire myself out. I tried everything I could think of. But I just kept thinking about you and how much I hurt you. And how much I hate myself for not being stronger. And how I wish I could just go to sleep so I didn't have to think about you giving up on me. At the same time, I was afraid to go to sleep in fear of both my nightmares and my dreams. I didn't want to dream of you giving me a second chance and waking up knowing you never will.

- No food/drinks. Nothing but a few bites of pizza yesterday. It's too much of a hassle to eat. Too much to think about. I haven't drank water in a while. I can feel my stomach... it's empty but I don't care. I don't deserve to eat. I feel reckless. I don't care if anything bad happens to me because I'll deserve it.

I'm so sorry I'm such a fuck up, Michael. I'm so incredibly sorry. I laid in bed this morning and watch old youtube videos on my phone. I watched the one from Valentines Day... and the one from sophomore year when you came to watch the Broadway concert. And your hot pocket dance. And that one french assignment you did. I watched your battles. Every single one. You're such a talented, funny, amazing person. And I can't believe I was stupid enough to hurt you. I keep wishing I could take it all back. I know I can't... so I'm just going to prove to you that I love you. And I'll pray that you believe me.