Today didn't go the way I thought it would.

You told me to get on the computer to get my mind of you.
So now I'm on the computer, my mind is still racing with thoughts of you... here it goes.

I expected the day to go a lot like this:
We'd wake up, realize it's supposed to be our fourteenth monthiversary, put on our couple tees and go to school. When we got there, we would talk.. yah know.. hang out in the morning, during break and at lunch. Just like old times. Then after lunch, as you walk me to the choir room, we would both realize that what we had was special and know that it still is special. Then you'd ask me to be your girlfriend again. There couldn't be a day more perfect than our monthiversary! I'd happily say yes and we hug and kiss each other for the first time in what seems like forever.

I think that sounds like a pretty reasonable day right?
But of course, it didn't turn out like that...
We both woke up late today. You rushed to school because you couldn't miss your graphic design fair. I went back to sleep for a little before I started getting ready around 8. I wore your shirt and the gold envelope necklace. So then I went to school, saw Andrew in the office so he and I walked to psychology together. Nothing really special happened. When the bell rang I went to your class to see if you were there. Sign said MPR. Went to the quad, still no you. Bell rang, went to ASL, still no you. You walked in, out-of-breath. First thing I checked was your shirt. It was yellow. To match with Lynden. That's cute. I didn't tell you I wore the envelope necklace after that. You said you had to help clean up the fair, that's why you weren't there at break. Okay, that's fine. We walked to anatomy together. Worked on our anatomy notebooks together. Walked to lunch together. Ate lunch together... kind of. Went to jazz after that. Before you left to go to dance, you asked me to be your girlfriend again. FINALLY! SOMETHING WENT RIGHT! I got all giddy and said yes. Then you asked for a kiss, I was kinda hesitant, so you showed me your cheek, Went to kiss your cheek, you turned your head, oh you sneaky you, stole my kiss for your lips. I didn't care... I got the butterflies. Lots of them. I was so happy, but still confused about what we were. So I went to dance to ask you... you were confused too. Then you texted me, "I don't know if I want to anymore." My heart dropped to my stomach.

So now we just had that long talk on the phone, I'm crying, you're saying your sorry. You said it feels so hard to leave me. I still don't know if that's the guilt talking. I really don't want it to be, but I'm so sure it is. You told me to hate you, but I could never do that.

You asked yourself a lot of questions too. How can I just leave knowing everything you've done for me? You were the best, how can I break up you? I found out that it wasn't just because you liked the freedom. You didn't want to have to worry about me. Which you did a lot apparently. Funny, I thought boyfriends were supposed to worry about their girlfriends. You said you got bored of me. Tired of me. One of the most feared things I wished to never happen. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I got so boring, so routine. I didn't mean to push you away like that.

I fought for you today. I tried to compromise. I fought for you and it really wasn't enough. It kills me. It really sucks to be told you got boring. I don't understand. I honestly thought you were having fun with me. Maybe you really were happy sometimes... but I guess it's just not enough. You need your friends right now. You need this summer to have unrestricted fun. Damn, it really hurts to say that. As if I was limiting you, when I really encouraged you. Unrestricted also means... free to meet new people. New girls. Better girls. And I know you know that means I can too.. but I never ever thought about being anyone else other than you. Why would I when I had the perfect boyfriend?

So it's really official today. It started off as a break, that led to an experiment of sorts to see if you would really miss me, to this. This. This sucks. I feel like my heart has broken so many times these past few days. I keep getting that rock bottom feeling in my chest. Like my heart is emptying itself out.

And maybe that's what I need to do. Empty my heart and mind from thoughts of you. It'll be the hardest thing to forget everything we went through though. I'm pretty sure it'll be impossible. Everything in my room reminds me of you. Don't you hate that? Getting to the point when everything you see is a little reminder of what used to be?

So... blogging will probably be one of my best friends for a while. Until I get over you. Until then, I'll keep myself busy. I'll talk to other people, meet new people. I'll keep all.. or most of.. the things you've given me tucked away. It'll make the healing process go faster I hope. I just know that in the back of mind... my subconscious or something.. will constantly be asking, "When are you gonna take me back?" Please don't make me wait too long. You need to tell me soon or get over me, move on with another girl or just shut me out of your life. That way... you really wouldn't have to worry about me. And I'll get the picture.

I know we won't be together. But please try not to do anything that'll break my heart. Not any time soon.

I don't know anymore.

32709 - 52610.

We were both convinced, so I can't blame you.
I was convinced so much that it hurts.

"I don't know how I feel."
"I don't know what you want from me."
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't know what kind of relationship you want."
"How do you know?"

The last time someone told me he didn't know what he wanted... things ended badly. I know that won't happen between us and that comparing the two situations is kinda dumb, but this feeling is so... I don't even know.
I've known exactly what you've done every day for more than a year. Fourteen months tomorrow. Or... would've been.
I can't help wondering if this decision is unnecessary, I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking it's unnecessary. If I love you, why would I let you go?
The answer to that... I want you to be happy. You told your friends that you loved this new freedom. I don't want to take that away from you... even though I wasn't even the one who held you back in the first place.
It was your guilt that kept you from doing what you wanted. The sound of my voice triggered some part of your consciousness to tell you to stay home and talk to me. Yeah, I was sad sometimes, most of the time I encouraged it, so please don't tell me it's my fault that you didn't get a lot of freedom.
So we're friends now and it's the strangest feeling. I feel like telling you I still love you would be really inappropriate. You worried about me being sad. That was your only concern about us breaking up. Thank you for thinking about my feelings, but I know I'll get over you.. eventually. All I need are my friends.. and time. Maybe lots of time.
You were my first serious relationship so maybe I'm wrong about being in love with you. But, I'm so sure that I am. Remember... all those things in that book I wrote for you and more. Much more. Maybe this makes me sound pathetic, but you know? We told each other we loved each other for a year. Hearing you take it back... it just sucks.
But for your sake, I'll think of all the happy things going on in my life. It may not seem like much.. seeing as I'm sick, lost my voice, have craploads of homework, etc, but I'll try. I'll try really hard so you won't have to see me sad. Because if I'm sad, you might confuse missing me and wanting to be with me.. with guilt. I don't want you to feel guilty.
Now I just hope that you're happy. Sincerely. I truly hope that you'll be happier now. Like you said, these are you teenage years and you want to have fun with your friends. I always thought that you were having fun... I always thought that you were getting enough time with your friends. You always made it seem like you really wanted to be around me. I guess that's what we get for keeping stuff from each other.
You said it's hard breaking up with someone who still loves you because your break ups in the past were mutual. Well, let me tell you something... it's not easier or better being the one that's still in love.

There's so many things running through my mind. I can't seem to get them all down right now. I'll this here for now. I'll probably come back and write more. But for now... this is hard. This is the worst I've felt in a really long time.

So here are my parting words. They may look a bit familiar.
I hope you figure out what you want soon. Because by the time you figure it out... it might be too late.