What to say about today...

...well today.
Today was just a whole lot of everything.
Kris picked me up and we went to Michael's.
Then I Michael's I threw skittles around and just watched them do their thangs.
Man... you. YOU YOU YOU YOU! I still don't know what to say about you and today.
Yeah, today was overall good/great. You made me overall happy.
In the end, you know... I just didn't know what to think.
You say it's the last time, but there's a part of me that really doubts that.
And you know... you asked me today. You asked me that thing I've been wanting you to ask me for some time now. And, I was strong. I was strong and I just left you hanging. It's not going to be that easy. You certainly did NOT make it easy for me.
So I don't know. I don't know what to say about that last hour or so. I really have no idea. I don't know whether or not I should be happy that you cared about how I saw you or if I should be disappointed. I don't know, dude. I really don't. Actually, I take that back. I know I'm disappointed.

Fuck, Jil.

You let them fall. You're still weak. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you keep lettin him do this to you? Why do you still care so much when he treats you like nothing now? Get it through your head, Jil! HE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE! So stop acting like he's some big loss! He's NOT WORTH IT! So stop pining over him. What he's doing and how he's feeling shouldn't matter to you anymore. He doesn't care what you're doing. He doesn't care how you're feeling. So just stop and get a hold of yourself. You have to be stronger than this!

And do something about your fucking headaches, they're pissing me off.

Don't you dare let them fall, Jil.

No more. Not anymore. Don't let them fall. He's not worth it. He doesn't deserve it. Be mad, be as mad and as angry as you want. But don't be sad anymore. Being sad isn't worth it. He's not worth it. He doesn't deserve it. So stop. Don't let them fall. Don't let them fall. Don't let them fall. Just close your eyes tighter and they won't fall. They won't fall if you won't let them. Just keep them in. If a single one falls, then you lose. You lose and you're just letting him win. He'll have all the power and you'll still be weak. SO STOP AND DON'T LET THEM FALL. DAMNIT.

This is what happens now.

I used to be afraid of just growing up alone, with no one.
Now I'm afraid of spending any time alone by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company.
I try to keep myself as busy as possible, 24/7. I stay up doing something for as long as I can, until I'm literally falling asleep on myself, with that awkward head bobbing motion. I don't give myself enough time to think and ponder about anything anymore because for some reason I always end up thinking about you. I don't trust myself to be okay when I'm alone. I feel like I always need someone here, or someone talking to me. I just need something to do. That way, my mind doesn't wander to all these questions I still have for you. I don't remember the past and I don't dream about the future. When I'm busy, I don't think. Not about you. When I'm busy, I'm not sad or mad, but I'm not happy either... I'm just... nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be nothing than a girl who got her heart broken too many times.

How can you still hurt me even when we're not even together? That's what doesn't make sense! I keep trying to build up walls between you and me. I keep trying to tell myself it's over and done with. You're not coming back. But then, you come along and you break down these walls so easily. Just a couple words and I get all lovestruck again and again. I hate it. It's like I have no control. Everything is playing by your rules. It's not fair. You say when I can talk to you. It's your call on whether or not you can "hold me." IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! You know you're playing with my emotions when you do that right? I've been trying so hard to fit into this pattern you have going on. I'm trying to find this rhythm that you've established. Because sometimes you talk to me, all day. Other times, it's nothing. Not a single word. I don't know how to act around you anymore! I want to be able to just talk to you and expect you to talk back, with no annoyance or attitude, but when I do try... that's exactly what I get. I just want to be able to stop. I want to stop loving you. Because it seems like it'll just make everything so much easier if I just... stop. I won't have to wait around for you anymore. I won't have to guess which days you feel like talking to me. I won't have to say sorry every time I feel like I'm bothering you. I just want everything to stop. It's gotten to the point where I feel I won't even care if I lose you as long as this crap feeling I get almost every day just goes away. But when I think about losing you... not even being able to talk to you... it's even worse. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Maybe I'm not used to it.

Well, not yet anyway.

I wanted so badly for you to disagree and say no, that this wasn't how this was going to be. But I was right! I was so right. You were totally willing to just have me wait patiently until you wanted me around. Like, you'll push me off to the side until you miss me or want to talk to me. Who cares if I want to talk to you right? That won't matter. Everything will only depend on how you're feeling. Oh my god! I never wanted to compare you to him, ever! But, that's like... exactly what he does! I guess you two are more alike than I thought. I didn't want to believe it, but there it is. I still don't want to believe it, but you're making it so hard not to.
What kind of person is okay with just letting someone wait around for them? Like a dog! I'll tell you what kind... a selfish one. It takes so much effort for me to not text you or talk to you on AIM. Did you know that? Probably, because I'm just so gosh darn pathetic right?
Damn! Like... I've been tripping over myself, trying to analyze when it's okay to talk to you, when it's not okay, when I shouldn't because you'll probably get mad because you're busy with your friends or sessioning, when I should because it seems like you're bored and want to talk. OMG! I have to wait for you to be BORED. I totally get it now. I'm just someone you go to when you're bored. When you have nothing else to do, so your last resort is to talk to me. It all makes sense! You told me too! You said something like, "Oh yeah, you can text me, no one texts me anyway, my phone is so quite." And I was so stupid to believe that it was because you missed me. No, it was because you needed to feel wanted or something, huh?

You know what, whatever. I'm not angry or anything. I'm more upset with myself. Have a fun day at the movies or the mall or whatever the hell you're doing today. All that matters is you're having fun and not thinking about little 'ole me, right?

"Don't say that"

Here I am all giddy all 'cause of you. It's your fault. I keep smiling to myself and these little butterflies in my tummy are going crazy. And now I feel like it's only going to happen when you feel like it. When YOU feel like it. I don't like that. :/ You made me really happy today. I want to make you happy too. I want to make you feel like I did today. If you'll let me. I feel like there's so much more I can say about today. But all that's really going through my mind is just.. "Omgsh Omgsh Omgsh..." I really hope this is real. It'd be really cruel if it was just another mean joke. But, I should know already to not get my hopes up. Don't worry... I didn't. You're still free.

Today is already ruined.

Well. Today.
Today is just already ruined.
Today would've been a good day.
If it wasn't today.

Happy 15 Months, Michael Ho.
I wonder what you're up to.
I wonder if you notice the date.
If you do, I wonder if you think about it today.
I wonder if you'll just think about it for a couple minutes then shrug it off.
No big deal.
I wonder if you'll hang out with people today. Having fun, not a care in the world.
I hope you have fun today.

[PS] I just read every single blog I wrote for you on this date. I don't know why. Stupid thing to do though. Now I just feel worse.

I want my great summer back.
If this is what it feels like to be home; alone and lonely?
Then I don't want to be here at all.