Hey, Are you busy?

Dang. You said it. "I just want to be friends."
Am I gonna have to hold up that relationship too?

You fought to keep your friendship with her.

Why not me?

Damnit, Jil. You're stupid.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Stupid pabo.
Shit.

Happy Pi Day.

mr barizo: you and jame are famous jil!
Thanks, Kris, for showing me why Smokin' Kit has sooo many views.
-_____-
[Haha. There's a member called K-POP]

irtylerr: jilian go finish driver's ed!
yo tofu ball: aaaaaaah.
yo tofu ball: fiiine.
yo tofu ball: i'm soo lazy tyler
irtylerr: just cheat jil!
irtylerr: i'm telling you
yo tofu ball: wth. you're encouraging me to cheat. kris is encouraging me to lie

"I'm cold
You're hot!
But you go around... like you're not!"
Bahahahaha.

Wow.

I did some reading...
And I feel like I screwed up a lot of stuff.

[PS] It was supposed to be today.

Hey, Get up, Mr. Big

I'm watching Georgia Rule now.
One of my favorite movies.

I like the part when Lohan is working on a puzzle, but doesn't want to look at the front of the puzzle box to see what the picture is supposed to look like.
She says,

"It's like seeing how you're life will end. Everything in between is just
wasting time."

Today I woke up at seven am.
Stayed in bed 'til eight.
Went to St Martha's Thirft Store at nine.
Worked my feet off until two.
Watched three movies when I got home.
One of them was Be Kind, Rewind. Funny-ish movie.
I want to go to Dland now. Yes, that'd be great.

I'm reminding Kris to practice my dance for the 50 billionth time.
I realized I say 50 billion a lot.
My favorite number is 7...

I'm probably gonna call Veeno after this.
Because I miss her, and I think she died.
I hate her school. Just her school and her homework.
I want to work hard, get famous and make a lot of money so I can pay someone to do her homework for her.

I thought about you today. Same old thing.
I didn't expect you to affect me this much.
I need more attractions distractions...
[Bahahahaahaa.]

I keep saying I'm gonna upload a video.
But I'm too lazy. I'm too lazy to finish driver's ed too.
Tyler and Kris should finish it for me.

"Hey, Listen Mr. Boy."
I have to finish this too.
Eeeeh.

Maybe I'll upload those videos today.

Last Post of the Night.

When you think about it, it's 11:11 all the time.

Excerpt from KBREEZYS LIFE SON.

"Jilian Binuya = my best friend x infinity = undefined.
She’s my best bfxinfinity=undefined, cause she’s the only one.She makes (sometimes) me the best cookies everrrrrrrrr but she ate my get better Kris brownies once, cause I didn’t go to school. I bug her sometimes in 1st period, and I bug her all the time in 6th period, but thats why she loves me. I’m in her choreo which I need to practice my ass off to get clean by March ___rd/th/whatever. She’s waiting for some guy to say “the right thing”, but when I said “the right thing” she laughed at me. She wears this perfume that I gave her, which enhances her somehow really good scent by 10 smell points (yes they exist Jil, only for you). OOOOH! She’s also in love with Korean people, but she doesn’t have Bboy Blond on her freaking binder anymore. She also sings very very very well and did the National Anthem once with Jennifer. Hmm and she’s really good at dancing, but she gets mad at me alot because I get lazy. Sorry Jil =[. I’m proud of my bfxinfinity=undefined though, she’s the best and I feel as if we’ve been getting closer. K I wrote a whole blog about Jil.
K bye jil!
(I wrote about you.)"

[23:01] yo tofu ball: LMAOOO
[23:01] yo tofu ball: that's the best ever!
[23:01] mr barizo: YOU'RE
[23:01] mr barizo: the best ever

I love Kris, my Best Friend x Infinity = Undefined.
He makes me very very happy.

Icecream and Cleaning.

My battle wound opened up again today.
Just thought I'd mention that.

Don't Jinx It.

I had the weirdest time at the mall today.
It was like... switching friends, group jumping.
I don't know. More details on that later.

Can you believe I was a Superman-fighting, wedgie-giving ninja today during ASL?
Believe it. I scratched up my shoes for an A.
They're not that messed up.

I don't understand the language the new chemistry teacher speaks in.
He's gonna make me fail.

The one day I don't bring my camera.
Good job, Subliminal.
I screamed too much.
"I'm a nerd, I'm a dick geek. Aklasdj jerk something something swaqq. Nerdin' swag kidzzz 222alsfjas jerk. G-E-E-K."
Eeeh.

Second lunch is really boring.
Kit wants me to give him my taquitos.
Good thing I have first lunch.

I hate history. Hate hate hate.
I don't want to make a poster about communist China.

So I had the weirdest time at the mall today.
Tyler and I looked for purple. But we already had purple. That reminds me of his contacts. That reminds me of Julian's eyes. Hi Julian. Now we just need Walmart shoes. Ian shopped for purple. But he's gonna wear yellow. With Jennifer. And her yellow pants that she wants to eat because she's hungry and can't return them. And Tim said Hi to like... every other person at the mall. ZOMG I need to finish Driver's Ed so I don't have to ask 50 billion people for a ride. We saw freshmen. Hi Aldrin and Zack and Nick P, etc. It's confirmed! Nick P is a freshman. "Jack and Jil went up the hill..." [It's always this "rap."] They went to go dance on top of the parking structure I think. Justin and Benny came and I watched them eat sushi. Frankie ate sushi with his mom I think. Idk. KRIS I'M MAD AT YOU. You know why.

So talking with Drea again today.
I have to most mixed up feelings in the world.

"One day he'll realize you're worth it, or you'll realize he isn't."

That's just how it works.
You've still got that place up there, I'm kinda still standing down here.
Three years, you popped up out of somewhere, gave me a taste and jumped back like, "Haha! Just kidding!"
I just.. ugh. I just want to get rid of this whole experience.

I'm still waiting.
I just don't know what for.

[PS] Don't jinx it.

Polly want a cracker?

I offered you a cracker today.
And you took one.
I asked you stupid questions, just to see if you would reply.
You did... kind of.

You still haven't looked me in the eye.
Look at me when you talk to me.
But we're making progress.
Thanks, not really.

Bread sticks, pizza, pasta... ducks.
Hooray for an awkward night at Pat'n'Oscars.
I read the letter from Todd to Jen on their Memorial wall for the millionth time.
It's my favorite one.
If you ever get the chance... read it.
This Todd guy, whoever he was, he said the right things.
The world would be good if it had more Todds.
Or maybe just more romantic.
I don't know.

My brother is going to Chap tomorrow.
I met a guy named Nick or Kyle or Jon today.
I'm pretty sure his name is Nick though.
He goes to Chap apparently.
He's a freshman... junior?
I don't know. Jennifer's confused.

"These stars are crap."
When did my sky get so grey that I can't even tall the difference between satellites and stars?
When did the mountains I could see from my backyard become flat?
Why am I so afraid of that earthquake everyone keeps talking about?

[PS] You're annoying, but you were... attractive okay today.
That makes you more annoying.

Tyler was my MVP today.
"Papatayin kitaaaa?!"

Just My Girls.

I love my jennifoursho, even though she has a tumblr.

jennifoursho: i like your blogish.

I love my xdrea bby.

xdrea bby: so its not as bad as you think about, its just another
chapter. Just trying to make my book a little bit thicker.

They're really who I need right now.

And my cousins.
I love my cousins. One's a tad bit MIA though.
The other... well, she's gone through what I'm going through.
After talking with her, I'm giving up boys for lent.

And even though they're not girls,
I love my BFxINFINITY=UNDEFINED and... Tyler...
[who tried to name himself my BF/0=UNDEFINED]
right now too.
I spent two hours with them afterschool.
I guess you could call it the cherry on top of my icecream of a day.
[Even though Tyler abuses me...]
Now I want frozen yogurt.
Kris and I are getting xtreme frozen yogurt/white lime wannabe after school tomorrow.

I'm getting off topic.
I don't even know what I really wanted this entry to be about anyways.

I'm not waiting anymore.

I'm gonna go upload a video.
Smokin' Kit has 400+ views. wtf.

Realization.

I suprised myself today.
It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I take back the thanks I gave you two days ago.
Now it's going to my friends.
All cliches aside, without my friends, I would've been crap today.
I was expecting myself to feel horrible and confused and alone.
But no.
Today... today I was just single and likin' it.

A little birdie told me things I didn't want to hear about you.
Like what, when and why.
"Are you serious?"
I have to listen to my cousins more.

So anyhoodles... today was pretty much a good day.
For lack of a better word.

But you know what would've made it even better?

FCUKING LOOK AT ME

Don't drop your eyes whenever I come along.
Don't avoid my gaze.
Do you see how I dropped the bar for you?
[You can interpret that in different ways.]

Other than that, everything's just peachy keen.
Because today I realized, I just don't need you.

I seemed to have misplaced that card.

In other news...

I went to confession today.
And I'm feeling better.
A lot better.
For different reasons though.

I'm still in desperate need of my girls night with Jenni and Drea.
I need to talk to my cousins, too.
Like... now.
That'd be great. Where are you guys?!

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge.
Going through the day, as if nothing's wrong?
As if nothing happened?
I'd rather write an essay about Lincoln's speech again.
I still don't know what grade I got on that.

We're going to sing in front of little middle schoolers tomorrow.
I was a little middle schooler only a mere two years ago.
I'm going to be a junior next year.
Ehgahd. I don't want to be. Because then I'll be a senior.
And then I'll be going to college.
It's going by waaay too fast.
Me no likey.

I'm gonna go upload a video now.
Maybe. I don't know.

[PS] Saturday would've been a month since 6:41.

And you know what I realized?
It's like all that drama was for nothing.

That's it.

Is it incredibly ironic that the day after I started this blog, I lost the topic I was going to be writing about?

"We need to talk."

Good thing I prepared myself for this.
I was able to keep myself from... crying.
Well... until everyone else left, that is.
Damnit. I hate crying. With a passion.
Good thing it was only for a little while.

"I know I've been treated you badly."

Did you know that I found that card you gave me the day before Valentine's day in my binder during first period?
I forgot I left it there. But I found it. And when I did. I couldn't stop smiling and I showed it off to my friend, Kaitlin, for the millionth time.
After that, I just zoned out and reread the card over and over again for thirty minutes.

"I'm just really confused. I don't know what I want."

Well I hope you find that out soon. For now... I'm gonna try to get over you.
But I know there's gonna be a little part of me that's gonna try to wait for you.
So... don't make that part wait too long.
Because I'm gonna find out what I want.
And you might not be a part of that.

"I don't want to lead you on, so let's just be friends."

Remember when you told me to tell my cousins that you wouldn't let them down?
Well, what are you doing now?

You.

I told myself that I wouldn't make another blog.
It's just another bullet point I'll add to my list of unsuccessful things, but since so many people I know are getting in touch with their writing skills, I just had to jump on the bandwagon once more.
So here I am with Blog Attempt #IDK.

I don't know. Maybe the real reason for me starting a blog... is you.
That one day I helped you with chemistry... I took a peek at your AIM profile and there was a link.
Thanks, you got me back into writing again.
And thanks again in advance because I'm pretty sure the only thing I'll be writing about... is you.

Speaking of you,
This weekend, you're all I thought about. Is that annoyingly cheesy? Maybe.
Maybe not if you knew exactly what I was thinking about you.
My mother told me to never like a guy more than he likes you, because then you'll know that he'll never be the one to leave you.
I don't know if I want to believe that or not.
But I feel like it's getting to the point where I like you more.
It's like this,

"I could be standing right next to you,

but somehow, you're still

someplace else."

I wonder if that scares you. Because it scares me. A lot.
My cousin thinks I scared you by saying I was a jealous person. But it's the truth.
You know what's even scarier? It's like I expect myself to get hurt in this relationship.
But I really don't want to feel like that. So I'm going to stop.
I just don't want this to be a half-committed relationship. I don't want to always be the one that starts the conversation, that offers to walk you to class. And I'm not saying that that's what's happening now. I just feel like it's getting there.
So this weekend I talked about you, complained about you, defended you, admired you, liked like you.
I LIKE YOU.
It was just a whirlwind of you.
I tried to focus on everything else. I tried to figure out what was the most important thing I needed to think about, but I failed. It just kept coming back to you.
Does that mean you're most important right now?

Anyways, today was good though.
Today I actually woke up early... well, actually I couldn't sleep so I just started getting ready at 5:30. I took my time and didn't rush. I wasn't putting on my shoes while brushing my teeth.
I ended up arriving at school before you, too.
I was standing at the usual spot, I saw you walking up from down the hall.
I turned around and pretended to not notice you were there to see how you would greet me.
And I was pretty pleased... a nice hug from behind and a comment about my shoes.
Just let me talk to you now. Tell me about your family, how pissed off you are about school, how happy you are about the weather... or eating, tell me what you had for breakfast. I want to know these things.
I don't want to be a routine. I don't want to be a hi, hug, walk to class, kiss, bye.
But you didn't completely avoid me today. And I was happy ecstatic.
If that's what I can get from waking up early, then I don't want to sleep at all.

Well that's it for now.
Just remember that I LIKE YOU. I like you.
And I miss you more. [If you miss me at all.]

[PS] I thank God everyday for having a friend like Jennifer. I love her a lot. And I hope her pneumonia goes away NOW.