I hate

how I could have been exactly like her, or close to it.

I feel so... ugh.

I feel like I just want to give up on life. There's nothing unique about me. Nothing that people need me for. I'm so... average. I'm just average. I'm an average singer, average dancer, average artist, average baker. There's never been anything that I'm really good at. Nothing that I can really call "my thing" you know? I have friends that design and they're damn good. I know a shitload of amazing singers. I know a lot of talented dancers too. Just.. OMG where the hell do I go? I'm like... nothing.

What I was hoping we'd talk about...

So I called you after I finished watching a movie, a really cute movie that I thought you'd like.
I wanted to talk to you about it and how we could watch it when you come over tomorrow. I wanted to talk about our plans for the SDSU Open House and which places to visit. I wanted to tell you how scared I am about this earthquake that's supposed to happen in the upcoming week. I wanted to fall asleep on the phone with you, happy and excited for tomorrow.
I'm sorry I was upset, but it's hard to be so happy when you feel like everything's your fault. Sorry I didn't warn you before calling. Funny, because if you ever really wanted to talk to me, I'd drop whatever I was doing to talk to you. And sorry for wanting to have a conversation before sleeping; I just really like hearing your voice and talking to you about random stuff. And sorry for not sleeping when you told me to... because that's the reason why my mom made me sweep the floor. I wasn't asleep soon enough to dodge it because I didn't listen to you, not because you wanted to chill for a few more minutes before calling me. Sorry for all that. I'm really tough to be with huh?
I'm sorry I'm not constantly thankful and happy because "at least you're talking to me at all", I'm really trying to be happy. Because you do make me happy Michael, when you're not constantly trying to make me feel bad about a mistake I'm trying to fix. That's logical right? You understand? I really love you. And I'm trying to fix everything and get it back to where we used to be. It's just going to take a while, not only because you obviously need time, but because I feel like I ask for forgiveness everyday even though you supposedly already forgave me. I don't know where I am right now. Where we are...
Still figuring it out.
I love you, Michael.

Welts turned out a lot bigger than I expected...
I actually like this one better than the one Andrew took.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
The number 7 reminds me of you. 27.
Maybe I should make it 9.

You're asleep right now.
Yeah, maybe I am expecting too much.
I guess I'm just eager.
Yeah, maybe I am scared.
Is that wrong? I'm not saying you're the bad guy.
I'm not saying that at all.
I meant that I'm scared because my mistake gives you license to make the same or similar one if you want and use it as an excuse to justify it.
That's why I'm scared.
I thought for a long time about how you can practically do whatever you want, and how I feel like I can't say anything about it hurting me because deep down, I'll know I deserve it. I just... aklfjlkajdikdjfdf.. I don't know.

I love you, Michael.
Even when you don't say it back.
Because I mean it.

:]

Hi. After school, we argued.
I was upset because I felt like you were purposefully making me carry around this thing that the two of you worked on together... that I would see your names together on the bottom right hand corner and get sad. Yeah... well I got sad. And I don't remember what you said, just something that hurt me and I didn't feel like riding home with you because of how much it hurt. [Stupid now, because I cant even remember.] So I told you I'd find another ride and yeah I was hoping you'd say 'no' ride with me... but yeah you just walked away. And I sat down and I was trying not to cry like a loser by myself and I was freaking out because Drea didn't pick up her phone and none of the bboys were there so I didn't know who to ask for a ride home. But then you called me and asked if I found a ride... and I just felt really stupid saying no. So you made me walk over to where you were and whatever, I don't even know.
And then... then you said I never supported you and that upset me even more. You have no idea how much I want to show you off to everyone. You have no effing idea.

Then... it was almost something from a movie. You put your arm around me and I thought you would leave it at that. That simple action still would've made me all giddy inside. But then, you turned your head towards me and... you kissed me. And after that I felt like I could do anything... I just got really confused after. But, I'll figure stuff out I suppose. I'm happy...

So, I talked to a few people today... not as much as I hoped. But I did...

Anyway, it just keeps coming back to bother me. I keep trying not to let it. But I keep thinking about how you were never going to tell me and I keep trying not to get upset or mad, because I feel like I deserve it. But someone made a point about how I was planning on telling you, but it was just poor timing, yet... even if I didn't make my mistake, you still would've kept your secret from me. And I never would have known. And I'm trying so hard not to make a big deal out of it, but I just keep feeling hurt. And all these questions are running through my head, like if you liked it and how long it lasted and if she was really pretty... she must've been. And I keep wondering what you guys did at her house and if you had fun and made plans to come over again. Idk... I'm trying to forget it.. like I hope you're trying to do now, but I don't think you will. So yeah, idk. People kept telling me that it's not fair because it's almost the same concept in both situations, we both didn't keep our promises. Oh well. I deserve it though. That's what you'd say.

Almost done with homework...
Your family is so nice to me. Thanks again for the mocha and stuffs... I think there's still $3 in your dad's car. That's why I was smiling. You have cute toes. I got sad when you said, "to mess around with you." I really hope this isn't a game...
I love you, Michael.

School tomorrow

I need to put on a brave face and convince everyone that I love you and I deserve to win you back. Because that's what you want me to do. I'm scared, but I want to fight for you.

I have to try to sleep soon. You're fixing your hair right now. I finished my homework. I'm going to try my hardest to sleep without you on the phone... I'll listen to those songs again. Those will help.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
Je'taime, Michael. Faire de beaux rêves...

Cutest cheesey pick up line eveerrrr

"Okay, well I'll rent a movie that I think you'll like..."
"Just put yourself on a dvd and I'll be okay." - Or something like that.

I died. In a good way. You're so adorable. I love you so much.
I really hope we're making good progress.

I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
I love you.

The lion to my lamb.

Going out with the family.

We're going to Tom's Burgers. I'm going to get a quesadilla, like always. Remember when you came with us one night and we both got it? And remember when I'd share it with you whenever I brought it to school? :/
I'm wearing your hat today. And the same sweater you saw me wearing yesterday. And my stretchy pants that you borrowed once. And your bracelet and envelope necklace and gold flower earrings. I don't know if you noticed, but I was wearing them yesterday too. I'm wearing your epic shirt... it's soft.
I miss you a lot, Michael. Even though you're still talking to me. I miss you being really happy. I want to be the person that'll make you feel so incredibly happy. Hopefully I can do that by this week.

Tonight

Good morning/afternoon. I have a feeling it'll be horrible to have to sleep tonight. I don't know how I can without you there, like last night. I was so thankful for last night. I would've been the best sleep I'd ever had if it wasn't for those dreams. The one where you weren't there to save me, the one where I heard you call my name and it sounded like you were right next to me, holding me in your arms and whispering in my ear to get me to wake up. But when I woke up, of course I was alone. I checked the phone and we were still connected. I tried talking to you, hoping that you called my name through the phone, but you were still fast asleep. So, sorry, but I called you to see if maybe you were dreaming about me and maybe sleeptalked my name. But you sounded so clueless, so I know now it was all my imagination. I imagined you saying my name so sweet. Like you missed me, like you never wanted to say goodbye and we could lay in each others' arms for forever. I miss hearing you say my name like that...
When I called you, you offered to sleep more, and I really wanted to sleep in with you on the phone, but then you said to hang up, and I got really sad, so I just woke up. Now I'm sitting in bed, typing on a tiny laptop and thinking about you. Thinking about the plans I made to win you back. I hope I can make it all work out. I really really hope that it'll help me prove my love for you to everyone. Good morning, Michael. I hope you have a fun time eating out...
I love you oodles.

Unless I did my math wrong...

I've been up for nearly 30 hours. And I still don't think I can sleep...
This is a new record. Last time I pulled an all nighter, I fell asleep on my pancakes.
I ate an apple and drank some sweet tea today. I couldn't finish it. I had some fish and rice too... couldn't finish that either, so I'm saving it all for tomorrow.

I keep replaying those words...

Those words you said last night..

I would've rather had you shoot me.

And yet... "I'd rather you be my wife."

I'm yours...

My mom's watching Valentine's Day in the other room. I tried to watch it with her, thought I could handle it.. but I couldn't. I couldn't even go a minute without thinking of you. I remember when we watched it with our friends last year. I started crying and let the room...

Something that I've been trying so hard not to effect me is what you finally told me. I keep telling myself that I have no right to be angry, because I broke a promise. But I keep thinking.. you did too. And I doubt you ever planned on telling me. I planned on telling you today... when you were supposed to come over and work on our choreo. But obviously, it was too late. And now, last night you kept wanting me to hate you or something. For dancing with those girls.. the way you said you disliked. So don't think that I have no clue how your feeling. Because I do know. From the weed and the alcohol and now.. everything you said last night. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying so hard. In fact, I believe I deserve to get hurt. I deserve to hear all this now. I know I have no right to be upset... but it hurts. And...I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to say that, yeah, I did get hurt.. but I do know that I deserve to be. So... this post was just a whole lotta nothing.

I'm sorry I screwed it all up. But I guess it's good, because now you can never be the bad guy. It'll always be me. I love you Michael... always.

So happy, yet incredibly sad.

I went to walmart today. I wanted to get you something. But I only had $4. I looked around the crafts section, thought about making you a shirt, but I wanted to save that idea for later. I went to the baking section, but I didn't have enough money to buy the things I needed.. so I'll save that for later too. I ended up buying you girl scout cookies. Caramel Delites. Your favorite. Spending my last $4 on you was worth it :] because I got to see you. I walked over to your house with Joel. You met us before we got there. Joel was happy to see you. He wanted your hat. I was so happy to see you, I was trying so hard not to cry. I pulled out the cookies and handed it to you and you looked so excited. I was afraid you'd say something sarcastic about it. You said they were perfect. That made me more than happy. I thought right after I gave them to you, we just go our separate ways again... but you started walking us back home. And I kept hoping that it wasn't because you felt obligated, but because you really wanted to walk us home. You had your arm around me at one point and I held onto you and cried. I missed it. Your arm around me. I missed you so much. I kept saying sorry. I saw a couple of boys walking behind us and I hoped you wouldn't leave til they were gone. I get scared walking by myself or just with Joel... Anyway, you were smiling. And I don't know why. I wanted to smile because you were smiling. It wasn't one of those big smiles. But a thinking type of smile, but it made me happy to see it anyway, even though I don't deserve to be happy right now. You have no idea how much I just wanted to hold you for hours, telling you how sorry I was. And how pathetic and worthless I feel. When you left, you held me and kissed my forehead, and I wanted to cry even more and kiss you and hold you and tell you how much I love you. I started to walk away, but I turned around and gave you a kiss on the cheek. You told me to wash my lips. I'm still trying to figure out what you meant, but I died a little inside. I'm sorry. But while I was walking home, helping Joel ride his bike, I was crying... still beating myself up for hurting you. And feeling dirty and stupid and ugly. But at the same time I was happy... because i got to see you. And I'm going to remember you holding me for those two or three seconds forever. I love you, Michael.

Running On..

- No sleep. I couldn't without you there. I was thinking too much. Thinking about all the ways I could try to win you back. Thinking about what I can do to prove myself. I tried so hard to go to sleep. I really did. I tried to sing myself to sleep. I tried working out to tire myself out. I tried everything I could think of. But I just kept thinking about you and how much I hurt you. And how much I hate myself for not being stronger. And how I wish I could just go to sleep so I didn't have to think about you giving up on me. At the same time, I was afraid to go to sleep in fear of both my nightmares and my dreams. I didn't want to dream of you giving me a second chance and waking up knowing you never will.

- No food/drinks. Nothing but a few bites of pizza yesterday. It's too much of a hassle to eat. Too much to think about. I haven't drank water in a while. I can feel my stomach... it's empty but I don't care. I don't deserve to eat. I feel reckless. I don't care if anything bad happens to me because I'll deserve it.

I'm so sorry I'm such a fuck up, Michael. I'm so incredibly sorry. I laid in bed this morning and watch old youtube videos on my phone. I watched the one from Valentines Day... and the one from sophomore year when you came to watch the Broadway concert. And your hot pocket dance. And that one french assignment you did. I watched your battles. Every single one. You're such a talented, funny, amazing person. And I can't believe I was stupid enough to hurt you. I keep wishing I could take it all back. I know I can't... so I'm just going to prove to you that I love you. And I'll pray that you believe me.

So difficult. But so sweet.

you: hey
you: you know whats fucking adorable
yotofuball: ?
you: every time im at your house
you: i sense you
you: like
you: i hear your little footsteps
you: running
you: i imagine your cute little feet
you: its so adorable..
you: i was just there
you: and i heard ytou fcoming
you: *tap tap tap tap tap*
you: i see your face
you: peeking through
you: my face just smiles