And, you know what I noticed?

Sometimes people tell you do things because they want you to say "no."
Like... a confirmation so they know you won't do what they don't want you to do.

Like when you told me to replace you with him as my escort.
You just wanted to hear me say, "Hell no! Are you stupid?"
That made you happy right? Relieved?

Sometimes I do that too. Like, just now.
I told you that I'd stop texting you because I didn't want to bug you anymore.
I was hoping that you'd reply with, "No, you're not bugging me :]"
[Shoot, I didn't even need a smiley face...]
But, you didn't. "Okay ill text you later"
It was like you were confirming that, yes, I was bugging you. [I'm sorry btw..]
And, I'm not saying I'm mad or that you're a jerk or anything. You're not a jerk because I told you to go have fun. So yeah, I'm not blaming you.

It's just that, I noticed, sometimes people want you to say "no."
It's almost like when someone asks you if you want something to eat. Most of the time, they're thinking, "say no say no say no say no..."
Am I right? Yes I am. Because you've done it before.

You told me to do something because you thought it would make me happy, but you really wanted me to deny it and say no. Just imagine what it would've been like if I had said, "okay."
However, the difference between then and now, is that... you actually don't mind leaving me alone when I'm sad. You're not gonna put up a fight even when I tell you to go have fun. If I sacrifice my happiness in order to make you happy, you just take it and don't really think about it. I guess that's what sucks the most.

I'm not blaming you though. I'm not mad, promise.
I know I told you to go hang out with your friends.
It's just one of those, "It's the thought that counts" moments I suppose..

I think I just know you a lot more than you know me.

I keep thinking...

...that if I pretend to be happy about something, then I'll really be happy.
Like when people tell you to smile because smiling will actually make you feel happier?
That doesn't work on me. You have no idea how much I really wished it did.

I say things you want to hear because I know it'll make you happy.
Even when I'm sad and I want to talk to you, I tell you to go hang out with your friends.
Why? Because they're important to you.
That's one of the reasons it happened in the first place: texting you too much when you were with your friends. So, yeah. I know better now I guess.

I'm sorry, I'm just one of those people who can text the whole entire day.
It's not that I love love love texting; it's because I like WHO I'm texting.
It makes me happy knowing that you enjoy texting me too.
But, you actually don't like texting.. so.. yeah.
Get it?

So, I hope you're having oodles of fun. If you're not, this feeling I'm getting isn't worth it.

I really really hate this feeling.

I hate this paranoid feeling I always get now, when I'm texting someone or talking to them on AIM and after a few or several minutes I wonder if they're getting bored of me... or annoyed.
Yeah, it's not just you anymore. I worry about it when I'm talking to anyone.

But when I'm talking to you? That's when I'm at my worst. I question myself...
"Should I reply right away?"
"Should I make him wait a little?"
"Should I stop texting him so he can hang out in peace with his friends?"
"Is it okay to keep the conversation going now that the topic we were talking about is over?"
"Will he tell me if I'm talking too much again?"
"Is it okay to text him when I'm sad even though I've texted him a lot today already?"
"Is it okay to say 'hello?' when he hasn't replied in almost an hour?"

I remember when you used to freak out when I didn't reply quickly because you thought something happened to me. I used to get annoyed... now I kind of miss it.

Like they say, you don't really start to appreciate things until they're gone.