32709 - 52610.
We were both convinced, so I can't blame you.
I was convinced so much that it hurts.
"I don't know how I feel."
"I don't know what you want from me."
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't know what kind of relationship you want."
"How do you know?"
The last time someone told me he didn't know what he wanted... things ended badly. I know that won't happen between us and that comparing the two situations is kinda dumb, but this feeling is so... I don't even know.
I've known exactly what you've done every day for more than a year. Fourteen months tomorrow. Or... would've been.
I can't help wondering if this decision is unnecessary, I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking it's unnecessary. If I love you, why would I let you go?
The answer to that... I want you to be happy. You told your friends that you loved this new freedom. I don't want to take that away from you... even though I wasn't even the one who held you back in the first place.
It was your guilt that kept you from doing what you wanted. The sound of my voice triggered some part of your consciousness to tell you to stay home and talk to me. Yeah, I was sad sometimes, most of the time I encouraged it, so please don't tell me it's my fault that you didn't get a lot of freedom.
So we're friends now and it's the strangest feeling. I feel like telling you I still love you would be really inappropriate. You worried about me being sad. That was your only concern about us breaking up. Thank you for thinking about my feelings, but I know I'll get over you.. eventually. All I need are my friends.. and time. Maybe lots of time.
You were my first serious relationship so maybe I'm wrong about being in love with you. But, I'm so sure that I am. Remember... all those things in that book I wrote for you and more. Much more. Maybe this makes me sound pathetic, but you know? We told each other we loved each other for a year. Hearing you take it back... it just sucks.
But for your sake, I'll think of all the happy things going on in my life. It may not seem like much.. seeing as I'm sick, lost my voice, have craploads of homework, etc, but I'll try. I'll try really hard so you won't have to see me sad. Because if I'm sad, you might confuse missing me and wanting to be with me.. with guilt. I don't want you to feel guilty.
Now I just hope that you're happy. Sincerely. I truly hope that you'll be happier now. Like you said, these are you teenage years and you want to have fun with your friends. I always thought that you were having fun... I always thought that you were getting enough time with your friends. You always made it seem like you really wanted to be around me. I guess that's what we get for keeping stuff from each other.
You said it's hard breaking up with someone who still loves you because your break ups in the past were mutual. Well, let me tell you something... it's not easier or better being the one that's still in love.
There's so many things running through my mind. I can't seem to get them all down right now. I'll this here for now. I'll probably come back and write more. But for now... this is hard. This is the worst I've felt in a really long time.
So here are my parting words. They may look a bit familiar.
I hope you figure out what you want soon. Because by the time you figure it out... it might be too late.
