1566 days = 4 years, 3 months and 13 days
This isn’t the first time we’ve been in this situation before, but this time is different. It has a definite finality to it. Even though I’ve been mentioning the possibility of it for about two years now… I wasn’t prepared for it. And what started off as a mutual decision feels like… well it feels like I got left behind… again. I suppose it had to happen this way. I wouldn’t have had the strength to let go.
I guess I’m just frustrated. Frustrated and hurt because it had to go this far in order for you to want to better yourself. We say it’s good intentions. This is will be great for us! We’re going to make our relationship stronger, you’ll see. I really hope you’re right. Because I have this annoying nagging voice in the back of my head telling me it’s not going to turn out like how we hope it will. All I can imagine is you forgetting about me. Because really… it will be heartbreakingly easy for you to forget about me. Even though we made this decision in hopes that you would focus on your future, you’ll have your friends and your fun and you will be completely fine taking your time. And as I’ve mentioned before, I just want to be proved wrong for once.
But I know I won’t be.
And all you can say is “I’m sorry."
1566 days and… you’re sorry.
I think this goes beyond you trying to find your purpose in life for the sake of our relationship… I think we can both agree that you turned numb again, and you’re using this situation as an excuse. Which is something I’ll deal with I suppose.
This would be a little bit easier for me if you weren’t everywhere. Despite the fact that you were forbidden from entering my room, you basically live in it. The plushies from the fair, Downtown Disney and Round One… the B2ST poster, the Perry the Platypus slippers, the Disney Expo fan hanging on my wall, the Diaso fan, the 64 origami hearts, the Kingdom Heart keychain (bet you don’t remember that one), the bounty of clothing I both unintentionally and purposefully stole from you… all of that is about 10% of the evidence of you just within my room. It’s suffocating, yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of them all.
I know it’s going to be hard waking up in the morning… because for a few seconds you think everything is perfectly okay, and things are just going about their usual way. But then you remember you’re not okay. Things are different. And all those promises you made about feeling better— I won’t cry tomorrow. I’m going to be productive and happy—just turn to shit, and the feelings you got used to the night before just hit you all over again. And fuck, everything just changed so fast… like how I won’t have to keep my cell plugged in at night because there will be no call eating up my battery life. And all our plans for the summer… your birthday, KCON, blueberry picking…
You know, I’m not just losing you romantically.. I’m losing my absolute best friend too. And that’s what’s currently killing me right now.
So I guess the purpose of writing this is a way of letting myself vulnerable and pathetic one last time before I start making an effort to… I don’t know… feel better about myself?
I think I’m already feeling better.
So I’ll close with this:
