I used to be afraid of just growing up alone, with no one.
Now I'm afraid of spending any time alone by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company.
I try to keep myself as busy as possible, 24/7. I stay up doing something for as long as I can, until I'm literally falling asleep on myself, with that awkward head bobbing motion. I don't give myself enough time to think and ponder about anything anymore because for some reason I always end up thinking about you. I don't trust myself to be okay when I'm alone. I feel like I always need someone here, or someone talking to me. I just need something to do. That way, my mind doesn't wander to all these questions I still have for you. I don't remember the past and I don't dream about the future. When I'm busy, I don't think. Not about you. When I'm busy, I'm not sad or mad, but I'm not happy either... I'm just... nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be nothing than a girl who got her heart broken too many times.
How can you still hurt me even when we're not even together? That's what doesn't make sense! I keep trying to build up walls between you and me. I keep trying to tell myself it's over and done with. You're not coming back. But then, you come along and you break down these walls so easily. Just a couple words and I get all lovestruck again and again. I hate it. It's like I have no control. Everything is playing by your rules. It's not fair. You say when I can talk to you. It's your call on whether or not you can "hold me." IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! You know you're playing with my emotions when you do that right? I've been trying so hard to fit into this pattern you have going on. I'm trying to find this rhythm that you've established. Because sometimes you talk to me, all day. Other times, it's nothing. Not a single word. I don't know how to act around you anymore! I want to be able to just talk to you and expect you to talk back, with no annoyance or attitude, but when I do try... that's exactly what I get. I just want to be able to stop. I want to stop loving you. Because it seems like it'll just make everything so much easier if I just... stop. I won't have to wait around for you anymore. I won't have to guess which days you feel like talking to me. I won't have to say sorry every time I feel like I'm bothering you. I just want everything to stop. It's gotten to the point where I feel I won't even care if I lose you as long as this crap feeling I get almost every day just goes away. But when I think about losing you... not even being able to talk to you... it's even worse. It's the worst feeling in the world.
