So happy, yet incredibly sad.

I went to walmart today. I wanted to get you something. But I only had $4. I looked around the crafts section, thought about making you a shirt, but I wanted to save that idea for later. I went to the baking section, but I didn't have enough money to buy the things I needed.. so I'll save that for later too. I ended up buying you girl scout cookies. Caramel Delites. Your favorite. Spending my last $4 on you was worth it :] because I got to see you. I walked over to your house with Joel. You met us before we got there. Joel was happy to see you. He wanted your hat. I was so happy to see you, I was trying so hard not to cry. I pulled out the cookies and handed it to you and you looked so excited. I was afraid you'd say something sarcastic about it. You said they were perfect. That made me more than happy. I thought right after I gave them to you, we just go our separate ways again... but you started walking us back home. And I kept hoping that it wasn't because you felt obligated, but because you really wanted to walk us home. You had your arm around me at one point and I held onto you and cried. I missed it. Your arm around me. I missed you so much. I kept saying sorry. I saw a couple of boys walking behind us and I hoped you wouldn't leave til they were gone. I get scared walking by myself or just with Joel... Anyway, you were smiling. And I don't know why. I wanted to smile because you were smiling. It wasn't one of those big smiles. But a thinking type of smile, but it made me happy to see it anyway, even though I don't deserve to be happy right now. You have no idea how much I just wanted to hold you for hours, telling you how sorry I was. And how pathetic and worthless I feel. When you left, you held me and kissed my forehead, and I wanted to cry even more and kiss you and hold you and tell you how much I love you. I started to walk away, but I turned around and gave you a kiss on the cheek. You told me to wash my lips. I'm still trying to figure out what you meant, but I died a little inside. I'm sorry. But while I was walking home, helping Joel ride his bike, I was crying... still beating myself up for hurting you. And feeling dirty and stupid and ugly. But at the same time I was happy... because i got to see you. And I'm going to remember you holding me for those two or three seconds forever. I love you, Michael.